Children's Social Skills
At what age do children normally start to make friends?
Children play alongside other children when they are young, about two years old, but they're really three plus before they actually start to play properly with children. In a sense they can't really make friends in the accepted sense until they're old enough to do that. From three plus they do form friendships but usually they're very short lived. A child's your friend because they're playing at the sand pit next to you, and then another child's your friend because they're playing with modeling clay next to you. They are usually a little older than that, around about five, before they form slightly more lasting friendships. Again, they don't last very long. The children usually have a best friend for that week and then the next week it's a different best friend. So right through childhood the whole friendship thing is slightly changing.
Why are friends important for children?
It is very important to encourage your child's friendships. Having friends gives children self esteem which is such huge part of feeling good about yourself and developing well. Children have to feel that other people like them, and that they can keep a friend. It is really important to encourage that by inviting children to your house or having parties for your child. All the usual things, like making friends with their parents in the school playground, that sort of thing.
My child struggles to make friends and seems to be a 'loner', what should I do?
It really depends on the child. Some children are natual loners and parents shouldn't panic and think, "Oh, they haven't got any friends. There must be something wrong with them." It's really about whether the child's happy with that situation, and if they're unhappy with it, then obviously you want to try and do something about it. If a child's perfectly happy playing on their own or just having an occassional friend, then parents should try not to worry because those are huge variations as we grow through school and adulthood, in how many friends people want. Some people only want one close friend and that's their friend right through school. Some want a whole circle of friends, so parents shouldn't panic if their child seems to be a bit of a loner.
How can I help my child to develop good friendships?
You can encourage your child having good friendships, partly by inviting children back to play when they're quite small, so they get an idea to practice the social skills involved. Until children learn to share and be kind and take account of other children's needs, it's quite hard for them to keep friends, so you can do it in that way. You can also teach them about the importance of those social skills, about being kind, about the fact that you have to take turns, and you can role play those at home so that they're much more likely to keep friends when they start school.
How can I teach my child about sharing?
Sharing is very difficult for all small children, particularly when they are toddlers. They think everything is "mine" and they absolutely cannot see why they should share anything, and they are quite likely to snatch a toy from somebody else if they want it. As they get to preschool age they do understand that you should share, but it's still very hard for small children, and parents shouldn't force it. If your child feels everything's up for grabs, it actually makes them less likely to share, not more. So if they are having friends over you can pack away their very favorite toys so that they don't have to share them and then explain that whatever else is left out, they will share with the other children. And you can teach it in a simple way at home, I'll have a bit of your sandwich you give me a bit of your drink. But it all takes time to learn.
How can I build my child's confidence?
Parents often really worry about how to get a confident child. A certain amount of confidence is just part of personality and can't be changed. Some people are very outgoing and some are just the opposite, but you can encourage a child to have confidence partly by giving them lots of praise and attention for the things that they do well, by just saying "well done" or "good job". This is not just for the things they achieve, but for trying to do things for saying "you really made an effort on that." All of that gives a child confidence, but it also helps if they can get feedback from their own age group, from their peers, and if they realize that other people like them, so encouraging friendships and explaining to them the social skills needed for that is a big part of children feeling confident in themselves.
How can I boost my child's self esteem?
Parents are really building their child's self esteem from the very beginning when you love and cuddle your baby, or are kind to them. That's really the beginning of self esteem. With toddlers and preschoolers, it's about showing your child that you think they are important. That's listening to what they have to say, talking to them, spending time with them, showing them they are likeable and you like them, and that's so valuable then when they understand they're an important, valuable person. They are much better equipped to go out socially and approach others to become friends with them. In a way, self esteem is the building block for all the other social skills the children have to learn.
My child seems very shy, should I be worried?
Part of shyness is part of an individual child's personality and probably can't be changed. Not every child can be completely outgoing. But you can teach a child to at least be able to go out and approach another child. Just explain to them the words to use, you know, "can I play with you?", "would you like a turn?" Those sorts of things, you can actually explain to help a shy child. And also, if you are shy yourself, you can try and give a good example of going up and chatting to people, so that they understand it's okay to do that. But not to worry too much, because, you know, lots of people are quite happy being, in a sense, shy and don't need to have a whole circle of friend around them.
