College Dating, Sex, Parties And You
What is a college 'hookup'?
Now a college hook-up can range from a kiss to a night of lovemaking. I use the word lovemaking very loosely. I think it's more about crazy lust. There are fifteen forms of the college hook-up that I have come across, and I'd like to share those with you. These are the drunk hook-up, the friendly hook-up, the rebound hook-up, the cheating hook-up, the desperation hook-up, the online hook-up, the who's next hook-up, the ex hook-up, the "I love you" hook-up, the convenience hook-up, the first week hook-up, the "I just want to have fun" hook-up, the weekend hook-up, the" I love you Friday, I love you Saturday, don't call me Sunday", the sympathy hook up, and lastly the repeat backup hook up. The love will go to the buddy who picks up that cell phone or text message at three in the morning when nobody else answers.
Why is hooking up in college so common?
We live in a culture where hooking up is often how we figure out how to find a date. I actually figured how to find a date while totally sober about 9 years ago now. It's not that I was like a drunk. I figured out this truth while writing my advice column where millions of people were writing to me and I was single and searching. What I discovered is that the way dating works is like this: if we're in a room long enough, eventually we will hook up. Think of a classroom or any room where there's a club or organizational event going on. The other way it works is if you're in a room with alcohol, it happens that much faster. You don't need to be in the room a long time. That's really how we learn how to find a date, is if we're in a room long enough that we'll hook up, and if we're in a room with alcohol, it happens faster. We're also told that we shouldn't look for it, because it will find us. The only way we know how to find love is by finding a hook-up, but there are other ways to do it.
Why are drinking and sex so common in college?
Well drinking and sex don't mix because it's like drinking and driving, you can fumble with things and there could become accidents. It becomes dangerous because if you're really drunk and your handling a condom, you might put it on backwards, you might put in on sideways or inside out, then it could become contaminated. Then there's also this thing of how well do you even know your partner. The more you tend to drink the least likely you are to talk about those important issues because you got to end up with sexual souvenir. And there are also these called things of consent. If somebody is too drunk, just say yes that doesn't mean that it's okay. If someone is too drunk to say anything, you can't have sex with that person. So, there are so many different things that happen and sometimes if you wake up the next morning and if had alcohol and of course if anything ever happens where you don't want to happen no one is ever justified doing that. But then when there's alcohol involved there becomes even more confusion emotionally. So, if you want to have sex with someone you're much fair of having sex sober. But the thing is most people don't know how to find a date while sober so it's really hard to have sexual sober but that's where the book can be very helpful and thenakedroommate.com and Harlan.com.
Do all college students drink?
The thing about college and drinking is when you look at college life, at least through the lens of the media, mostly you see stories like drunken debauchery. But the truth is that two thirds of students aren't binge drinkers, and most students don't engage in dangerous behaviour. Most students maybe will have one to five drinks. Some students have no drinks at all. And I've talked to so many students in so many campuses who don't drink and you don't have to drink. And I've done Naked Roommate newsletters about sobriety on campus. You don't have to drink, and those who don't, it's great because there are other students who will see you and be like, “Hey they're not drinking so I don't have to drink.” And if you don't want to drink you just can say no. You can be a designated driver or you can be someone who runs activities and organizations. There are sober events on campus that are on the campus activities board. There's all these activities and if you're somebody who doesn't want to drink, you then become a great advocate for all those other people. So, I mean there are so many students who don't, so if you don't want to drink, you don't have to.
Do all college students have active sex lives?
When it comes to sex on campus, the title of one of the chapters in "The Naked Roommate", is sex - having it, not having it, and hearing other people have it. That might be what happens. You might just hear other people having it, but the thing is that you don't need to have sex if you don't want to have sex. Not everybody is having sex, according to the Backus Network. Over 20, or over 28 percent had no sex over the prior year when they were surveyed, so a quarter of the people weren't doing it. I also did a newsletter about virginity - finding it, losing it, misplacing it - and on that newsletter you can read so many stories about students who have kept their virginity. So being a virgin is definitely an option, and it's really not a bad thing. It's just that people don't talk about their virginity at the dinner table that frequently, so have dinner with me and we can talk about it.
Am I gay if I have just one hookup with someone of the same sex?
A lot of people write to me in my advice column, you know they are at a party or maybe they are studying, and one thing leads to another and they end up hooking up with their best friend. I mean, sometimes it happens and I always say, "Don't be so quick to give yourself a label." It doesn't matter if you are gay or you are bi-sexual, or you are a lesbian, you know, who cares what it is that you are? It doesn't matter and you need to give yourself time to figure it out, okay? But the most important thing is that you have a really strong community that is surrounding you. If you aren't sure that you are bi-sexual, go to an online resource or turn to the advocate on campus, there are so many gay/lesbian/bi-sexual advocates who you can talk to about this. Go to the counselling centre and talk to a therapist about this and really figure out who you are because it is great to know, if you can leave college being comfortable in your skin, being comfortable with your sexual orientation, well then you don't necessarily need to get married to someone of the sex that you think everyone else wants you to marry and I think that is what college is about: figuring out who you are, surrounding yourself with people who can support you along the way, and really being true to yourself.
As I head to college, what should I know about STDs or 'sexually transmitted diseases'?
An STD is sexually transmitted disease or a STI as some people call them sexually transmitted infections or I like to call them sexual souvenirs those little keepsakes from those encounters that you don't plan to bring home during break. The thing is if let's say you're a collector of herpes or genital warts or Chlamydia you're going to go to a college campus that's where you're going to get your samples as part of your hobby of collecting STDs. They are everywhere the statistics are compelling it's just knowing that they are around. The problem is it's really hard to know who has these things. While researching the book I talked to over 1,000 students and I asked them hey do you have herpes people were like no way, but the thing is people do. And a lot of times they don't know that they have herpes or they don't know they have genital warts because they can appear in places that you can't see well naked you know the naked eye can't spot it. So the important thing is to know that they are there because they are and if you want to be intimate with someone it's something you really need to talk about and you need to get tested so you have the answers when someone asks you those questions.
Will a condom protect me from all STD's?
Condoms are effective, but their not totally effective. You could sleep with someone who has herpes, and they or you can use a condom, and you can still end up with herpes. There is viral shedding that can happen, which is where you can also have outbreaks and not even know that that person is having an outbreak. Condoms won't save you from all STD's. Knowing your partner and knowing your sexual history and getting tested; well that's a great start.
What is the difference between a 'drunk dial' and a 'booty call' in college life?
A drunk dial usually happens as result consuming alcohol, that's the drunk part of it, and the dial happens with a phone. Typically it's someone calling an ex usually after, I would say, 2am. Those are when the drunk seems to be in their highest volume, and a lot of times it could be someone screaming at someone, or it could be someone speaking in a very erotic tone. But they are conversations that only happen through the phone, via the use of the alcohol. A booty call is an entirely different animal. A booty call is simply about calling someone up so you can have contact with their booty. It simply a call. It's that person that you don't quite have a relationship with, other than booty calling. When the phone rings you know that theres going to be some booties shaken.
Where on campus can I find information about sex, STDs and pregnancy?
If you have any question about anything regarding sexual health, a college campus is one of the most amazing places to be. Often times there are women's resource areas, there are sometimes women's clinics. Men don't always have those resources but the health center is there for you and they can do sexual health screening. If it's something where they don't have the resources on campus, there's usually a hospital or a clinic close by. And the thing that's great is, if you have birth control concerns, if you have itching or burning or if something doesn't feel right, rather than just let it go which can ultimately lead to serious complications, sometimes even sterility, you can talk to the people on campus; many times it's free, the resources are right there for you. So any questions, don't keep them a secret because sometimes they'll write me and they're like "I've got this horrible - when I need urinate, I cry." I'm like "dude, go to the doctor, I can't help you right away." So get help and talk to the people who can fix these issues right away.
How much college partying is too much?
If you're partying so much that you are not going to class, that is too much partying. If you want to pass your class you need to go to class. If you're missing classes because you're partying, or if you can't remember what you did the night before because of too much partying. If you drink to the point where you need to get drunk, that is too much partying. If you are drinking to the point where you're vomiting, that is too much partying. If you are putting yourself in dangerous situations, that is too much partying. It's about moderation. Many students aren't even of legal age to do the partying that they're doing, but if you're going to do it just make sure you are safe. Be smart. Don't be so stupid that you accidentally kill yourself or fail out.
What should I do if I feel pressured into drinking at college?
A lot of students don't drink. Just knowing that a lot of students don't drink makes it so you don't need to feel pressure to drink. Anybody who's going to force you to drink, or not be your friend because you won't drink with them, is a stupid drunk. Do you really need to hang out with a stupid drunk? That's why you need to have options when you go to school. I'm talking about social options - the organizations, the activities, the things where you can meet other people who do things that are similar to you. You can be sober and you can have an amazing experience. If someone is really pressuring you and they won't take no for an answer, you can just hold the drink. You don't have to drink it. You can take the drink and empty it and put something else in the drink. Or, if it's a matter of holding something, you can hold a small animal, like a ferret, and then you can't hold a beer.
If I'm anxious about meeting people, will drinking help me relax?
Drinking is social lubricant. The thing that people need lubrication from is this fear of taking risks. If you can go into a school with this expection of it will take me a little while to find my place and I need to get to know people and I need to create a world filled with options, then you don't need to worry about what other people are thinking. You can really be true to who you are. When it comes to anxiety, know that you don't have to drink and make sure that as part of your mapping out your college experience you connect with people who have similar values, so that when those friends are doing things you don't want to do you then have the opportunity and feel empowered to say no.
Are 'long-distance relationships' worth having in college?
LDR, the long-distance relationship. The L, the D and the R. How do you do an R? It's something that a lot of people deal with, and it's a big issue. I was in a long-distance relationship. During my freshman year I was in a long distance relationship, and she had a conversation with her father, keep in mind she was a senior in high school and I was a freshman. And college wasn't going so good. I had leaned on my relationship. I had leaned so hard that eventually it just snapped. And her father urged her to end our relationship. He actually compared our relationship to a dying puppy, urging her to shoot the puppy. So she called me and the shot rang out And that was the end of the relationship. But I tried. So for me for a while, long distance relationships were a really sensitive area. But I would tell you this. If you are in love and it's something great and wonderful you don't need to get rid of it. Really. I mean what are you going to do about it? Go and hook up with everyone on campus? You could do that after you break up with the long distance relationship if it doesn't work. I'm not recommending that. But if it's something so great, hang on to it. The greatest mistake is that so many students will cheat. Or they won't be honest with their long distance relationship, because they'll be tempted by someone else. So what you do, is just make a promise if I ever have the urge or want to date someone else, I'll let you know. And just have the common courtesy and respect. So that if you ever want to go back to that relationship it will be intact. You don't have to ruin it. Be honest and enjoy it as much as you can while still having a social life and a balanced life on campus.
