College Dating, Sex, Parties And You
What is a college 'hookup'?
Now a college hook-up can range from a kiss to a night of lovemaking. I use the word lovemaking very loosely. I think it's more about crazy lust. There are fifteen forms of the college hook-up that I have come across, and I'd like to share those with you. These are the drunk hook-up, the friendly hook-up, the rebound hook-up, the cheating hook-up, the desperation hook-up, the online hook-up, the who's next hook-up, the ex hook-up, the "I love you" hook-up, the convenience hook-up, the first week hook-up, the "I just want to have fun" hook-up, the weekend hook-up, the" I love you Friday, I love you Saturday, don't call me Sunday", the sympathy hook up, and lastly the repeat backup hook up. The love will go to the buddy who picks up that cell phone or text message at three in the morning when nobody else answers.
Why is hooking up in college so common?
We live in a culture where hooking up is often how we figure out how to find a date. I actually figured how to find a date while totally sober about 9 years ago now. It's not that I was like a drunk. I figured out this truth while writing my advice column where millions of people were writing to me and I was single and searching. What I discovered is that the way dating works is like this: if we're in a room long enough, eventually we will hook up. Think of a classroom or any room where there's a club or organizational event going on. The other way it works is if you're in a room with alcohol, it happens that much faster. You don't need to be in the room a long time. That's really how we learn how to find a date, is if we're in a room long enough that we'll hook up, and if we're in a room with alcohol, it happens faster. We're also told that we shouldn't look for it, because it will find us. The only way we know how to find love is by finding a hook-up, but there are other ways to do it.
How can I find a date when I'm sober in college?
The way to find a date while sober is to appreciate that there's a truth out there. It's a truth that took me years to discover. It's called the Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships. The Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships simply states that not everyone I want will always want me. It seems very simple, but the truth is that not everyone will always want me. The difference with this is that, yes there's a truth, but most of us are stuck in a state of rejection denial. We never give people permission to not like us, to not appreciate us, and to not desire us. What happened is I came out of rejection denial and I gave women permission to not always like me, who I liked. The first step is that if you give the world permission to not always like you, and know you're really hot and really attractive, then you don't become so consumed worrying about what everybody else is thinking. You don't have to drink so much that you forget who you are, because the more we drink the easier it is to take risks. The more that we drink the less we care what other people think, because we're usually so out of our mind that we don't even know what we're thinking. If you can give people permission to not always like you and come out of rejection denial, that's the first step in finding a date while totally sober.
How can I get over the fear of rejection when I get to college?
You are talking to the founder of rejection awareness week. It's an actual holiday. It's an event every February 7th through to the 14th. It's not about getting rejected. It's about having the courage to take risks, because what I've seen is we're so afraid that someone we like won't like us, so we have to track this persons every move through Facebook or Myspace or through friends of friends. We can't just say what we feel. In order to really find what it is that you want, you have to have the courage to do that. You have to give the world permission to not always respond to you, the way that you want to be responded to. Not everyone's going to always love you, not everyone's going to always like you, but even if that person doesn't like you or love you, it doesn't mean you aren't beautiful, hot and attractive. What you need to do is train for the sport of taking risks. That's what rejection awareness is about, and if you want to say something or you want to do something and you're uncomfortable doing it, take a step back, put on the tightest thong you can find, and look in the mirror. Whatever is hanging out of your thong physically you're going to be embracing - you're not going to physically embrace it, you're going to embrace it emotionally, and you're going to change it in a healthy way. You take that thong off, you put it on your head, and the things hanging out of your emotional thong you either embrace or you change in a healthy way using the people, places, and resources on campus. You surround yourself with great people who are going to tell you things you need to hear, so if somebody makes you feel ugly or unattractive you can turn to those people who make you feel hot and tell you those things you might forget when you're in a new place. That's called training for the sport of taking risks. Ultimately, what you can do is say what you feel and do the things you want to do. You can give people permission to not always like you and know that you are so hot and attractive, and you can take risk after risk after risk. If you get rejected, that's just the beginning. Celebrate because you took the risk.
Why are drinking and sex so common in college?
Do all college students drink?
The thing about college and drinking is when you look at college life, at least through the lens of the media, mostly you see stories like drunken debauchery. But the truth is that two thirds of students aren't binge drinkers, and most students don't engage in dangerous behaviour. Most students maybe will have one to five drinks. Some students have no drinks at all. And I've talked to so many students in so many campuses who don't drink and you don't have to drink. And I've done Naked Roommate newsletters about sobriety on campus. You don't have to drink, and those who don't, it's great because there are other students who will see you and be like, “Hey they're not drinking so I don't have to drink.” And if you don't want to drink you just can say no. You can be a designated driver or you can be someone who runs activities and organizations. There are sober events on campus that are on the campus activities board. There's all these activities and if you're somebody who doesn't want to drink, you then become a great advocate for all those other people. So, I mean there are so many students who don't, so if you don't want to drink, you don't have to.
Do all college students have active sex lives?
When it comes to sex on campus, the title of one of the chapters in "The Naked Roommate", is sex - having it, not having it, and hearing other people have it. That might be what happens. You might just hear other people having it, but the thing is that you don't need to have sex if you don't want to have sex. Not everybody is having sex, according to the Backus Network. Over 20, or over 28 percent had no sex over the prior year when they were surveyed, so a quarter of the people weren't doing it. I also did a newsletter about virginity - finding it, losing it, misplacing it - and on that newsletter you can read so many stories about students who have kept their virginity. So being a virgin is definitely an option, and it's really not a bad thing. It's just that people don't talk about their virginity at the dinner table that frequently, so have dinner with me and we can talk about it.
Am I gay if I have just one hookup with someone of the same sex?
As I head to college, what should I know about STDs or 'sexually transmitted diseases'?
Will a condom protect me from all STD's?
Condoms are effective, but their not totally effective. You could sleep with someone who has herpes, and they or you can use a condom, and you can still end up with herpes. There is viral shedding that can happen, which is where you can also have outbreaks and not even know that that person is having an outbreak. Condoms won't save you from all STD's. Knowing your partner and knowing your sexual history and getting tested; well that's a great start.
How do I tell someone I meet in college I have an STD?
What is the difference between a 'drunk dial' and a 'booty call' in college life?
Where on campus can I find information about sex, STDs and pregnancy?
How much college partying is too much?
If you're partying so much that you are not going to class, that is too much partying. If you want to pass your class you need to go to class. If you're missing classes because you're partying, or if you can't remember what you did the night before because of too much partying. If you drink to the point where you need to get drunk, that is too much partying. If you are drinking to the point where you're vomiting, that is too much partying. If you are putting yourself in dangerous situations, that is too much partying. It's about moderation. Many students aren't even of legal age to do the partying that they're doing, but if you're going to do it just make sure you are safe. Be smart. Don't be so stupid that you accidentally kill yourself or fail out.
What should I do if I feel pressured into drinking at college?
A lot of students don't drink. Just knowing that a lot of students don't drink makes it so you don't need to feel pressure to drink. Anybody who's going to force you to drink, or not be your friend because you won't drink with them, is a stupid drunk. Do you really need to hang out with a stupid drunk? That's why you need to have options when you go to school. I'm talking about social options - the organizations, the activities, the things where you can meet other people who do things that are similar to you. You can be sober and you can have an amazing experience. If someone is really pressuring you and they won't take no for an answer, you can just hold the drink. You don't have to drink it. You can take the drink and empty it and put something else in the drink. Or, if it's a matter of holding something, you can hold a small animal, like a ferret, and then you can't hold a beer.
If I'm anxious about meeting people, will drinking help me relax?
Drinking is social lubricant. The thing that people need lubrication from is this fear of taking risks. If you can go into a school with this expection of it will take me a little while to find my place and I need to get to know people and I need to create a world filled with options, then you don't need to worry about what other people are thinking. You can really be true to who you are. When it comes to anxiety, know that you don't have to drink and make sure that as part of your mapping out your college experience you connect with people who have similar values, so that when those friends are doing things you don't want to do you then have the opportunity and feel empowered to say no.
Are 'long-distance relationships' worth having in college?
LDR, the long-distance relationship. The L, the D and the R. How do you do an R? It's something that a lot of people deal with, and it's a big issue. I was in a long-distance relationship. During my freshman year I was in a long distance relationship, and she had a conversation with her father, keep in mind she was a senior in high school and I was a freshman. And college wasn't going so good. I had leaned on my relationship. I had leaned so hard that eventually it just snapped. And her father urged her to end our relationship. He actually compared our relationship to a dying puppy, urging her to shoot the puppy. So she called me and the shot rang out And that was the end of the relationship. But I tried. So for me for a while, long distance relationships were a really sensitive area. But I would tell you this. If you are in love and it's something great and wonderful you don't need to get rid of it. Really. I mean what are you going to do about it? Go and hook up with everyone on campus? You could do that after you break up with the long distance relationship if it doesn't work. I'm not recommending that. But if it's something so great, hang on to it. The greatest mistake is that so many students will cheat. Or they won't be honest with their long distance relationship, because they'll be tempted by someone else. So what you do, is just make a promise if I ever have the urge or want to date someone else, I'll let you know. And just have the common courtesy and respect. So that if you ever want to go back to that relationship it will be intact. You don't have to ruin it. Be honest and enjoy it as much as you can while still having a social life and a balanced life on campus.
