Common Marital Problems
How can I encourage my partner to be more involved in housekeeping?
Unfortunately, one of the realties of marriage is that it's not all wine, roses, and romance. Unfortunately, somebody's got to sweep the floors, pay the bills, and clean the toilets. The question is - who? I am always amazed when couples come to me and talk and argue about how much each of them feel that they are contributing, saying, “That person needs to do more!” The truth is there are a certain amount of tasks and they have to be divided fairly. It's important to remember that you're both a team in your marriage, living in this household with a certain amount of chores that must be done. Sit down, hold hands, look at what needs to be done, volunteer for what each of you are willing to do. See what's left and then talk about them and divide them fairly.
How can I encourage my spouse to be financially responsible?
Here's a way to get through any issue about money. It's a communication process, where you sit down and you tell your truth. Keep it in the "I" when you're sharing what you're experiencing. Be careful not to say, "You, you, you." When you sit down, use "I". First talk about how you are responding to your partner's behavior. Then, communicate how you feel about that behavior and what you think about that behavior, what you're believing that behavior means, and then discuss what you need, the change you need. Make sure that your partner has heard you and then invite your partner's feedback. When you learn how to communicate about money, you're going to be able to communicate about any issue in your marriage. This is an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer and bond, because when you can join forces on this issue, you're going to be able to get through any issue.
How can I cope with my spouse's romantically jealous behavior?
Your partner's jealousy can be a big problem in a marriage. You first have to look at whether the jealous is wanted, - are you rocking around seductively? Let's say that you are not doing anything that could make your partner jealous, that your are absolutely innocent - hat is, you are not doing anything but your partner is being jealous - you have to know that this is coming from insecurity. All jealousy starts from insecurity and fear of using of what you love. For some reason, your partner is afraid of losing you. You have to give more attention to your partner. Let your partner know that, "I love you, I only eyes for you." Sit down with your partner and ask what is going on, what they need. They just need more love and attention. If your partner is intense and pathological with their jealousy, if they are trying to control your behavior and every move, if they are expecting to check in, call every hour, this is a big problem and you both need to seek some help and counsel with marriage therapist or a Pasteur, because this is a bigger problem than jealousy.
How can I resolve my romantic jealousy towards my spouse?
In French, the word for jealousy is 'jalousie' - I feel lousy. Because that is what jealousy does. It makes our partner feel lousy and worse. It makes us feel really bad because it's coming from a sense of not being enough, not being worthy, feeling insecure and fearing abandonment. Jealousy can destroy a marriage, it can destroy trust in a partnership. Essentially, you're saying, "I don't trust you," and if that is what you're projecting out there, guess what is going to happen to the foundation of your marriage? So, jealousy makes you feel lousy. It's lousy for your relationship. You've got to change. First look at if your partner is really doing something that warrants your jealousy? Are they flirting with others? Are they not giving you enough attention? Are they disappearing for days at a time? You've got a real problem then. If this is more you feeling insecure, the problem starts with you and you've got to work on yourself. Often, jealousy comes from not feeling good inside about yourself. That is where the real change needs to begin. "I am enough." Look in the mirror each day and say, "I am enough. I deserve my partner. I deserve love." Because as you expand your sense of worthiness, your relationship is going to feel so much better. You are going to feel much better in your relationship because you do deserve love.
How can my spouse and I cope with jealousy?
Sometimes we find ourselves jealous of our partner in a marriage. We might be jealous that they have a career and we don't. Or we might be jealous because they're spending too much time with the kids or their family. There are so many issues around jealousy that can come up in a marriage. The core of it stems from our own unfulfillment. There's something in our own life that we are not living or there's something that we want from our partner that we're not getting. First, find out what it is that's calling from the inside because if you're feeling jealous or your partner is jealous of something you're doing, listen to that call and pay attention to it because that's really what it is. It's a call for attention. Pay attention to what each of you want. Sit down, have a talk, ask, "What do you need from me? What is it that you really want for your own life? What is it that you desire?" Because that really is at the core of all jealousy in your marriage.
How can my spouse and I avoid comparing ourselves to others?
Comparing your relationship to other relationships, whether they be relationships of your friends on the outside or relationships to a past lover, never works. Even if your comparison is that you are so much better than that person. Unfortunately, what happens in most comparisons is we are telling our partner they are less than something. Comparisons don't work in marriage. It's like being on the same team and then having other people come between you and push you apart. You're number one. Your marriage is number one. When you compare, it divides you. If you feel that your partner is comparing you, it is important for you to tell your partner it hurts: "I don't like this. You need to know this doesn't feel good to me." Sit down with your partner. Stick to "I" statements. "When you compare me to others, it hurts me. I feel sad. I feel like you don't love me, appreciate me or care for me. Please give your attention to me and don't compare."
How can I help my spouse cope with the loss of their job?
If your partner loses their job, you have to give them time to regroup, because losing your job is losing your identity, losing your way and what you do in the world. This is especially important if your partner has been fired and hasn't chosen to quit. There is going to be a grieving process. Understanding the grieving process may make it easier for you to cope in your marriage. You have to understand that they're going to be in shock. After the shock, there is going to be some shame and some blame, which may come off as anger. They may be angry at work or the boss that fired them or they may be angry at you, so you have to be careful, get out of the line of fire. After anger comes depression. They may be moping around, feeling sad, feeling, "Who am I in this world? What good am I?" The last part, thank God, is when they move through those stages to acceptance, where they can gather up their resources and charge out into the world again. You need to be supportive of the different stages and know that they're going to come. Some of them may last long or they may be short, but there are some stages of grief that your partner will go through when they lose a job.
How can I tell if my spouse is clinically depressed?
Here are some ways to tell if your partner is clinically depressed. Firstly, it lasts a long time. It isn't just in reaction to an event like losing a job or having a change in financial status or even a loss of someone they love, because there are stages to that. When your partner is clinically depressed it lasts and it doesn't go away. You are going to see real changes in their behavior. Their sleep patterns are going to change. Their eating patterns are going to change. Their emotional patterns are going to change. If your partner has clinical depression, they may not be loving in your marriage. They may feel dead to you. You may talk to them and all you are going to feel is this blank screen. They may be apathetic. They may not have any interest in going out, having fun, or being romantic. They may want to just sit there and stare at the TV. These are all signs that there is something greater going on. What you need to do if your partner is clinically depressed is get a lot of information. Go on the Internet, research this, talk to your family physician about what can be done. There is medication out there that can help your partner. You have got to get your partner to medical treatment so your doctor can diagnose if this is physical or emotional, because sometimes illness will look like clinical depression. Your partner needs to get checked up.
How do I avoid becoming depressed when my spouse is depressed?
If your partner is depressed, besides taking care of them, you have to take care of yourself because their depression could make you really depressed. You have to stay physical and start eating really well. You have to start taking really good care of yourself so that you don't get pulled into their depression, because depression creates depression. It's like this big black hole that you both can fall into in a marriage. The greatest thing you can give your partner is to stay centered, loving, kind, and uplifted, so you have to start with yourself and take really good care of yourself.
How can I cope with my partner's mental illness?
If your partner is mentally ill, it truly can drive you crazy. The world becomes very shaky based on their illness. Suddenly the foundation of your marriage, the safety, the structure, feels like an earthquake has hit it. The most important thing to do is take care of yourself, and here are some ways to do that. You must stay centered and not react to their behavior. You need to get education and you need to find a support group, because right now you need all the friends you can get, you need all of the centering you can get. You need to make sure you have the help you need in your household, the help that will support you and keep you in reality, because mental illness shakes things up. You're the one who's going to be holding down the foundation of your marriage.
