Communication In Marriage
What constitutes effective communication in marriage?
We often hear the term ‘effective communication'. What is effective communication in marriage? It's very simple. Your message sent is the message received. What you say to your partner is actually heard by your partner. That's effective communication.
Why is effective communication so important to a healthy marriage?
Effective communication is vital to a healthy marriage. If you think about it, besides sex, what builds greater intimacy? The truth is we talk to each other a lot more than we have sex. Talking to each other, learning how to talk to each other, learning how to effectively hear each other and saying words that can be heard by your partner is the basic building block of your true intimacy in the marriage. Few experiences are more gratifying than expressing yourself, saying something that is deep and personal and having it heard and received by your partner, having them understand and know you better.
How can I get my spouse to listen to me?
A common question that is asked is, "How can I get my partner to listen to me?" It's all in your delivery and your presentation. Here's what you need to do. State communication in the "I": "I need, I feel, I want, I desire." Make sure your partner's listening. Ask for feedback. Effective communication in marriage is also in the tone. It's gentle, it's soft - chances are, if I'm talking like this, someone's going to listen to me. If I'm out there and talking really loudly and there's all of this energy behind it, my partner's not going to listen to me. Tone is really important to communication in marriage. Once the two of you do have that connection, you say what you need, your partner hears what you have to say, then create a plan of action. "How are we going to do this?" Make a deal to do it by a certain date and a certain time and then do it.
How do I become a better listener in my marriage?
I have to tell you: listening is hard. We hear about being a good listener. It's hard to do, because all you want to do is react and give your side. Listening does take work, sorry to say. What you've got to do is take a deep breath say, "I love my partner, I love my partner and I'm going to listen and I'm not going to react. I'm going to listen and I'm not going to react." You have to keep your body relaxed, because listening is about being open and receptive. Remember, breathe; take a nice deep breath, and keep remembering to breathe because what's going to happen is the minute your partner starts saying something you don't want to hear, your shoulders are going to go up and you may want to leave. Breathe and say, "I'm here, I'm listening," and keep your ears open, keep your heart open, keep your eyes in contact with your partner and try to stay connected to your body. That will open everything up and you'll be able to listen a lot better in your marriage.
What is an 'I' statement?
In a good I statement, you are making a statement about your "I". That's why its called an "I" statement: "I feel, I need, I want." You keep it clean and clear. That is when you're making an I statement in marriage communication.
How do I make an effective 'I' statement?
A good example of how an I statement would sound is this: "When I walk into the room and I see you watching TV., and you don't look up, you don't look at me, I feel really sad and disconnected, because I believe that our marriage is falling apart as there's so much distance. What I need is, when I say hello, for you to say hello back. Can you do that?"
How can I encourage my spouse to open up?
The best way to encourage you partner to open up is to be open to listen. To ask what is going on. To encourage them to share their truth. To be brave enough to hear their truth. To respond in kindness and without defense. To say, "Tell me more, or tell me about what's going on. I really want to know." After your partner has shared, let your partner know that you've truly heard what they've had to say, and a very important thing is to ask rather than assume, rather than react, ask what's going on, and you'll find out.
How can I stop myself from getting angry at my spouse?
It's important to have an iron-clad agreement that no matter what happens, I will not get angry with you. That is what inspires trust and openness. It allows each of you to open up. I want you to sit across from each other and say these words: "No matter what, I will not get angry with you. I am going to try to be as nice as I possibly can be because I hold our relationship as important and I love you." Say these words. I'm going to repeat them for you because its really, really important when you sit down, and you are about to have a discussion, and you are one who tends to get angry. You have to set the affirmation first and say these words out loud to each other: "I will not get angry with you." Make that promise. If you feel anger rolling up through your body during the marriage communication, remember your promise: "I will not get angry with you. I promised that I would be nice. I'm going to be nice."
What is a 'time-out' and how should my spouse and I structure one?
A time-out is a scheduled break that you agree upon with your partner ahead of time, so that if stuff starts coming up or you get stuck or you're about to get angry, you can say, "Okay, time-out," and create a little separation. The best way to structure a time-out is to sit down with your partner and create a word that means time-out. You can use time-out, or it could be something humorous like spaghetti or something that has nothing to do with the heat of what the potential moment can be. You create your word or use time-out, whatever you want, but talk about what it means. Is it a five minute break? Is it a ten minute break? Decide how long it will be that you guys separate, and do your own thing. Get realigned with your self. Figure out what it is you want because you promise to return. When someone calls a time-out in marriage communication, it's respected immediately. Everything stops, but you also know in a certain amount of minutes, you're going to return and try again.
How can I stop my spouse from yelling at me?
What do you do if your partner is yelling at you? You could take a time out, but often when our partners are losing it, as we might say, it's really difficult, because everything pisses them off. What I recommend is this: don't defend yourself ,because if you're in the line of fire, there's not too much you can say that isn't going to incite your partner. What you need to do is counterbalance it by being very calm, very rational, very reasonable. You need to breathe, you need to affirm your partner that it's going to be okay. If you can, listen to the pain behind the anger because, usually, when there's anger there's pain underneath it. See if you can hear the message of pain underneath your partner's anger. If your partner is scaring you and it's seeming to go absolutely nowhere after you've tried to calm your partner down, then it is very important that you take a time out and promise to return. Sometimes, our partner is shouting because they don't feel that they're being heard, so let your partner know that you're hearing them. Also, ask, "What can I do?" Those words, "what can I do?", sometimes will just immediately calm the wolf into a lamb.
What can my spouse and I do if we have trouble dealing with emotional issues?
I hear so many couples complain when one partner tends to be rational and the other tends to be emotional. The emotional partner says, "Whenever I get emotional, my partner just gets up and walks out of the room. Not only does that make me more emotional, but I also feel abandoned, which adds to the problems." If you are the emotional partner, and you are watching your partner walk out of the room, here are some things you need to do. If you cannot calm your emotions, chances are that it's not a good time to talk to your partner, because they're not going to be able to hear you. In more rational times, you need to be able to sit down with your partner and work out a plan of action so when you are upset and need to express yourself, there's a way to do it that your partner can sit and tolerate and listen. Each of you need to work through that by talking about what it feels like on each end. When a partner gets up and walks out of the room, what you are experiencing is fear walking. They are scared. They're not going to tell you they're scared, but they are scared. There is a conditioned response from childhood that when they see emotion, they shut down - they can't handle it, and it's flight. They need to escape. So if you are the emotional partner, you need to understand that is fear. With fear in place, chances are your partner is not going to be a good person to talk to in this moment. You need to cool down, your partner needs to melt a little bit, and then you can meet in the middle.
What is a 'power struggle'?
A power struggle is a defensive position. It's me versus you; there's no us in sight. When you are in the right and wrong - "I win, you lose" - the real loser is the relationship.
How do I avoid a power struggle with my spouse?
The best way to avoid being in a power struggle is to realize that even if you win the battle, you lose the war. You have to compromise. Treat your partner as your best friend. Listen, find that place of mutual agreement, because the truth is neither one of you is 100% right and neither one of you is 100% wrong. Find the place of right in each of your arguments and agreements during marriage communication.
What is the 'Oreo Cookie' technique?
The Oreo Cookie is a fabulous technique for expressing what you would like changed or making criticism that you have palpable. You start with the chocolate layer of the Oreo Cookie. The chocolate is stating a positive: what you do like, something that's really good that's happening in your relationship. The filling is the criticism or the negative: the "However, this is what I want, this is what I'm not happy with." Then you seal the Oreo Cookie with chocolate: "I want us to work this out. I want our relationship to be the best it can possibly be." Positive, what you want changed, positive. t works.
How can my spouse and I deal with anger?
The best way to get through your anger more productively is to avoid blame. Whenever you go into "you" statements, you can aggravate your partner. Keep it in the "I", look for agreement, remember to breathe, stay calm and try to be flexible. Anger is about construction and so the opposite of the anger is about opening calm. Do whatever you have to do to get the alignment into calm in marriage communications.
What are some body language don'ts in communication?
Here are some very important don'ts to do with your body, if you want to have a happy, successful relationship and certainly get out of your problems. Don't cross your arms because it is crossing blocking your heart. Don't fidget, don't do this thing with your fingers where you make noise, tapping, tapping, tapping with your fingers. Don't roll your eyes, grimace, or sigh like you are frustrated, because all of these things communicate: "I don't care." When our partner doesn't feel loved, that's going to act more .
What are some body language do's in communication?
If you want your partner to know that you are listening and involved, there are some things you can do. You lean in, make really good eye contact, and let your expression be one of receiving. You might be nodding in agreement. Even if you don't agree, nod to let them know that you really are taking them in. Allow your body to be relaxed and remember to breathe, because that will keep you open and receptive to hearing your partner. Hold your partner's hand. There's nothing more literal or potent in marriage communication than feeling each other and saying, "We are here and we are together. We will get through this."
How can my spouse and I tell if we need to improve our communication?
The way you and your spouse can determine if you are not communicating effectively is to look at the results. What you express: Is it being received? Are you hearing each other? Are you listening to each other and can you resolve your problems? If the answer is no, you are not effectively communicating in your marriage.
What are some common negative communication patterns?
Negative communication patterns can really destroy a good conversation, so let me show you some negative communication patterns. One is laboring your point, going on and on and never letting your partner get a word in edgeways - in a way overwhelming the conversation. Another is becoming very critical of your partner, blaming your partner, discounting your partner. These things are never going to work. Stomping out of the room and making all this fuss doesn't work; it is a real negative communication pattern. Leaning away, crossing your arms, crossing your legs and looking very disinterested or bored are bad communication patterns in marriage communications.
How can my spouse and I learn to communicate more effectively?
The steps to effective communication are as follows: Say your desire, what would you like hear in the conversation, then state the behavior. "When I walk into the room and you ignore me" - that's stating the behavior. Your thoughts read your feelings. "I believe our marriage gone down the tubes. I believe that your TV is more important than me" and what you desire is a request for changes. "What I want is when I come into the room and I come up to hug you, just even tap my hand and give a long kiss - that's all I need from you." The last piece of effective communication is to ask for a conversation asking, "Are you willing to do this and talk about this?" Apply these steps and you will be amazed how it works in your marriage communication.
What is the difference between 'listening' and 'hearing'?
The difference between listening and hearing is that with listening, you are open to receive. You are opening to hopefully receive and hear. Hearing is the act of actually receiving the information, taking it in, and understanding it during marriage communication.
What are some body language signs that my spouse is listening?
The way to find out or determine if your partner is actually listening to you is to look at his or her body language. Is their body open? Are they breathing or is the breathing shallow? If their shoulders are going up, they're not listening. If they're relaxed and leaning in, giving you good eye contact, maybe nodding, they're taking you in, you know that they're listening to you.
What are some body language signs that my spouse is not listening?
The way to determine if your partner isn't listening to you is to watch the body language. Are they rolling their eyes? Are they giving you a really dirty look? Are they seeming to wait so they can jump in? Are you feeling discounted? What's their body like? Is it closed or is it open? Are they heavily sighing as they roll their eyes? These are all signs that they're not listening to you during marriage communications.
