Funeral Etiquette

Can anyone go to a funeral?

Depending on which part of the country you live in, will dictate whether or not you can or can not attend a funeral. Funerals in the south of England tend to be fairly private affairs. Generally speaking, unless you receive an invitation from the family to attend, you would have to take it as read, that they don't really wish you to be there. Other parts of the country indicate by way of a newspaper notice when the funeral is going to be. Very commonly, in the newspaper notice, they will say that all friends, family, neighbors, etc. are cordially invited to attend. Funerals in northern Ireland, once a newspaper notice appears in the press, that's an invitation for all and sundry who wish to be there, to come a long and join in the funeral ceremony.

What should I wear?

Although black has always been traditionally associated with funerals, increasingly black is becoming less common at a funeral. Certainly, if you're one of the immediate family, there would be an expectation that you would wear something black. But other sober colors, like blues or grays would be more in keeping. There are some families who clearly indicate that they don't want any mourning colors. No black ties. Something bright, something cheerful. They wish the experience and the funeral ceremony to be something that's very uplifting. And in that case, it's always a good to follow the general guideline of instruction given by the family.

Should I cover my head?

It's not necessary to cover your head when you go to a funeral. However, some folks do prefer to wear a hat and if that's okay with them, then they can wear a hat. Some people perhaps feel if they're entering a church or a place of worship that they may wish to wear a hat to keep with a particular style, but it's okay. Things are much more loose today, much more free and easy than they were a decade ago.

Who travels with the funeral procession?

Normally the immediate family, the close mourners would be conveyed to the funeral in the official mourning cars, the limousines. Other members of the family may wish to travel behind the limousines in their own private cars. Once again, it depends; different parts of the country have different traditions.

Can children attend a funeral?

There is nothing to stop children attending a funeral. Unfortunately, adults sometimes make decisions on behalf of children, thinking that they're shielding the children from something unpleasant. In fact, nothing could be more harmful. There is ample evidence to show that children are very well aware of what's happening, they're very sensitive to what's going on. They want to be there because, like the adult, it helps the child to bring closure to that situation. So if a child indicates that they wish to go to a funeral, they should be given every assistance and every encouragement. By the same token, if a child clearly says that they do not want to go to the funeral, then no effort should be made to try and force the child to be there.

Where should I sit during the service?

The seating arrangements for a funeral service are dictated by your closeness to the person who has passed away. Obviously, the partner or the children of the deceased would occupy the front pew or the front row. Brothers and sisters or siblings and other relatives of a closeness would be in the next rows. If you're just a neighbor or perhaps a work colleague or a friend, you should stay somewhat back. But generally speaking, most people know their place at a funeral ceremony, and people are loathe to encroach or do something that might be construed as being a bit forward.

Will I have the opportunity to offer my condolences at the funeral?

Very often, at the end of a funeral ceremony, whether it takes place in a church, funeral directors premecise or crematorium, it's customary that the family will make themselves available - perhaps in the form of a line up. Mourners leaving the location will have the opportunity to shake hands with them and maybe even embrace them, give them their condolences and their sympathy. Don't ever be afraid to approach the family. They look for support, they need support and they're always very grateful for the good wishes of those who have attended.

Should I talk about the deceased with the family?

People should always be encouraged to talk about the deceased and to talk about the deceased in real terms, as if they are still alive. The family loves this. They don't like to think that the person who is now gone from their midst is a "has been." It's not healthy. The family loves to think that the person and the legacy they have left is real and still very much alive in the lives of the people who are still part of their circle.

What happens at the end of the funeral service?

Usually at the end of the funeral service, the family will make themselves available, perhaps in the form of a lineup, in order that other friends and neighbors or colleagues can shake hands and offer their condolences and their sympathies. It gives the family the opportunity to say thank you to those who have attended, and perhaps, if it's appropriate, to invite them back perhaps for refreshments afterwards.

Who leaves the service first?

Generally speaking, the family would leave immediately after the coffin - if the ceremony has been in a church or a funeral director's premises. Once the coffin has been carried or conveyed from the church, the family generally walks immediately behind. If there has just been a ceremony at the crematorium, the coffin obviously has been committed, and the family would be invited to the vestibule or the hall, where they would have the opportunity to greet the mourners as they leave the service.