Guys, Money And Career Competition
Guys, Money And Career Competition
Lisa Clampitt (Matchmaker) gives expert video advice on: Do guys think successful women are threatening?; Can a guy handle it if I make more money than him?; How can we feel like equals when one person is making more money? and more...
Do guys think successful women are threatening?
These days, strong successful women can mean a couple of different things. Is the woman a ball buster? Meaning, does the woman emasculate the men? Does she come home and is she demanding and is she angry and does she rule the household like a man would rule the household? Or is she successful in her own right, independent, and comes home and is able to sort of see the value in the man? Does she allow him to be the helper in certain ways, give advice? Is it a healthy, balanced relationship where they're communicating with respect and they are flirtatious with each other and they are able to really have a nice balance where someone is not being aggressive with the other? And I think that that's a negotiation within the relationship. But for the most part, I think that men tend to be attracted to women who are able to have a touch of vulnerability and a feminine side, while being competent and earning money. That's fine for a lot of men.
Can a guy handle it if I make more money than him?
That's something that again, if a woman is making more money than a man, you need to make sure that you're also balancing, that that man doesn't feel inferior. Are you using money to be superior to him and that you flaunt it and you talk about all the success you have and all the money you have -- no one wants to hear that, especially if the traditional roles are the man as sort of the masculine breadwinner. That being said, I think that if you are having a very positive relationship where you're allowing the man to feel helpful and connected and enjoy the relationship in a masculine way, I think that you can very easily balance that.
How can we feel like equals when one person is making more money?
Equality in a relationship is not necessarily financially related. I think it's more emotionally related. So if you are having a respectful relationship with healthy communication, healthy romance, healthy flirtation, and real mutual respect. I think it's a bonus if someone's earning money and can provide security for the family. It doesn't really matter who that is, but you have to really make sure that you're on the same page of making the relationship a priority with those finances really helping out the path of the family. Not sort of keeping tabs on who has more money and who doesn't have more money, but being responsible and discussing money and what does money mean? And what do you want to spend the money on? How do you want to provide security while being able to spend with the day to day fun of living? So that just needs to be discussed and you need to really come to an agreement with that.
How do I deal with career competition in a relationship?
Career competition in a relationship is already bad lingo for a relationship. I think if you're doing similar jobs, there would be hope that you guys would be able to discuss, "How can we compliment each other, how can we really help each other out in building for the family?" Not you and me in competition. The family needs to be a unit and it needs to be on the same team rather than each individual fighting for themselves. So hopefully, within communication, talking about career goals, "How I can help you? How you can help me? How can we grow the family unit in a direction that we both want?" That's really important. When you're talking about competition, there's something substantially unhealthy about even using that word. So it really is about communicating how to structure the relationship and career.
How can I make sure my success doesn't get in the way of our relationship?
If you are more successful or if you are a very successful woman, it does not have to be the topic of discussion from day one. I think to be able to be successful in your own right and get to know someone in their own right and put money aside for the time being, I think that's the way to establish if you guys are meant to be together. And then ultimately, if you can afford a nice lifestyle, and you talk about your common goals together, make sure that that lifestyle is compatible with each other, and that ultimately your finances and your success will compliment your relationship rather than damage it. You need to really talk about that without throwing it out there in the very beginning and flaunting it as your huge asset and your huge value.
What if he doesn't care about my work?
A lot of times men spend their entire day at work, and are just exhausted, so by the time he gets home you're both there, and to talk about careers is bringing work into the home life. So, a lot of times it's just about like, let's not talk about work, and if there's specifics you want to talk about in your career and you would like him to participate in discussing the career, schedule time. You know, make time to say, hey you know I feel that a lot of times you don't want to talk about my career. I would love to be able to get your take on my career, and because men love to be helpful you can set that time aside and see why he may not want to talk about it at certain times. Is it because he's trying to get away from the office? Are there certain aspects about the career that he feels maybe he that maybe he doesn't have great advice for. Figure it out, but take that down time to communicate, and try to figure out how you can get your needs met if you do want to talk about your career, and how you can create specific times for that discussion as opposed to all you do is talk about work stuff on your down time at night. That can really be a strain for the relationship at times.
Do guys think it's OK for a woman to stop working?
When a woman gets married, or any sort of career choices that are different from when you initially met each other, needs to be discussed. So if a woman is okay about quitting her job to raise kids or that you two have spoken and agreed that once you get married, she's going to quit her job, and maybe she'll take care of some household stuff or she'll volunteer, whatever that is, if it's an agreement that both parties make, anything's fine. You have to discuss it ahead of time, though. You can't all of a sudden have the expectations, once I'm married, I'm set, I never have to work again. I didn't tell him that, but once we're married, I'm set. That's unfair. I think you both have to have expectations of where the relationship is going to go. Who's going to take care of the kids, who's going to work, who's going to make money. All that should be discussed ahead of time.