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If Your Spouse Cheated

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If Your Spouse Cheated

Sheri Meyers (Marriage and Family Therapist) gives expert video advice on: How can I stop obsessing about my spouse's infidelity? and more...

Why did my spouse cheat?

I'm often asked, "Why did my partner cheat?" Often an affair is a symptom. A spouse cheats because there's vulnerability, either in your partner or in your relationship. Problems can occur if your relationship has become dry, if you're not interacting with each other, if the sex life is nil or if there's been some changes where a lot of the attention is going outside of the relationship. Your partner may be hungry, and seeking to fill that hunger through other means. Whether it be through cyber sex, through emotional intimacy with coworkers or through having an affair. To get to the heart of the reason for the infidelity, consider cheating to be the symptom and not the illness. If there's some vulnerability in your partner - they're feeling lonely, they're feeling bored, they're wanting some excitement. Perhaps they just got a promotion and they're feeling really full of themselves and want to act out. There are lots of reasons why people cheat. What you need to find out is, why did your spouse cheat? What is their vulnerability and how do you fill the hole between you?

How do I cope with my jealousy and insecurity stemming from my spouse's affair?

It is really normal to have a myriad of feelings of jealous and insecurity when you find out that you've been betrayed. All these feelings flood you. Normal feelings experienced are disbelief, shock, thinking how could this happen, anger and rage - "I want to kill him. I want to kill her. How dare they, how dare this person, how dare this person that I have married do this to me." Jealousy and insecurity is common stemming from your spouse's affair. Either you're going to want to take revenge on them or you're just going to keep torturing yourself with these visions and fantasies of all the times this person has lied to you. You may feel sadness and depression because your trust has been devestated. Jealousy, when you start comparing, "Mmm, was this guy a better lover than me, was this girl prettier, did they share an emotional bond, did he tell our secrets to her, did she do things with him that she or he didn't do with me?" All this is natural, so what do you do? How do you cope? One, understand that you are traumatized and you are in trauma. If you had your best friend or your child right by you, traumatized, how would you take care of them? How would you hold them? What would you be telling them? This is a time that you've got to be really kind and gentle with yourself. Self-loving. You're going to be rebuilding from the ground up yourself, considering this marriage, trying to figure out what you're going to do, how you're going to relate to this person, the spouse who was unfaithful to you. If you choose to heal with your partner, you're going to need to come from a really strong place inside yourself. If you choose to leave this partner, that's a whole other course, you still need to be really strong and connected with yourself. Right now you have got to be your own best friend, hold your own hand and be ever so kind and ever so gentle, and whatever feelings come up, hold yourself through them, and be ready for a rollercoaster ride.

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Tips & Comments
  1. madashell

    Been with my husband 7 years but married 3 years only, we argue a lot and he tends to shut down and won't speak to me for weeks....He sleeps in our bedroom and I sleep in the guest bedroom....2 months ago when we were not speaking I found out a co-worker from his job tried to hook him up with a relative and my husband did not even say "no"...Well I know for a fact he talked to this girl over the phone and has emailed her even though he has no idea what she looks like or have met her....but to betray me like that while we are still married and living in the same house just not speaking to each other....he does not know that I know all this but I am waiting for the right time to tell him and probably will be when he gets into another argument with me....Some people might not consider it cheating but it is...

  2. NativeNM

    Been married for 27 years and my wife told me that she cheated on me last year the summer of 2010 with her ex-boyfriend. She told me how they met 3x had sex and was going to meet the 4th but she told him no, but i just found out that she still texted him for over a year, it stop last month when i found out. Is her texting him over a year considered cheating? The texting was day to day and sometimes hours, seems like they texted 24/7, late at night, after midnight, and during the day.

  3. yadame

    Great post! Another great resource is www.yadame.com. The anonymous infidelity whistleblower website.

  4. yadame

    This was a great post. There is a great website/resource out there called YadaMe. Its an online anonymous infidelity whistleblower website, pretty cool.

  5. Infidelity

    This post is great! i'm doing a research for my new website on the same subject and this was very helpful and informative. thank you!

  6. maikukamishiro

    Wow... Thank you so much for this. My girl cheated on me and has since refused to talk about it. She continued, however, to talk to him. I have since made my final stand and forbid him coming anywhere near her,though he refuses to meet me in person. The scrawny little **** is less than half my size, so I'm not threatened by him, but I do find myself still drivien to rage almost when she talks to other guys. I need to continue to fix myself before I can fix us, I realize that now. It has been 6 months and I need to think deeply on whether or not I want to continue my life with her.

  7. kezo1977

    been with my partner 7 years,and found out in may that he had cheated on me,i have 3 children,and this devastated me as i had no idea this was going on,which has made me even more angry inside,he told me in the end wot had gone on,i told him to leave and got his stuff out,he was txting me alot and ringing me telling me how sorry he was and that he realise he loved me,in the end i decided to give it another go but i am finding it hard still to come to terms with and its been 9mths,i have my good days where i dont think about it then when i do my head is just going every where wondering if they did only do it once like he said and did he only want me cos she didnt want him in the end,was she better than me.just dont no if im gonna beable to make us work and get this out of my head

  8. mynameisjake07

    Just found out my girl of 3 years has been cheating. 5 guys total. The last guy shes had sex with 4 times, gave him head everytime and swallowed. I just found this out and just got out of jail today. My life sucks.

  9. heather01

    i cheated on my husbend before wes married and i told him 1 month later and he is wanting to know all these thing and to tell you the truth i dont know like he is wanting to know why i did it and i do do not know what to tell him b/c i do love him vary vary much and i would never whant to hurt him like that agen and i just whant to know how long will it be befor we are back to are old selfs agen b/c we did still get married but every time we fight he briengs it up and i just dont know what to do and i know i hurt him but he hurts me two and and i may not know what it fills like to be cheated on but i do no that the one who cheats fills pain to and i just want to say one thing ask thim qs about why they did and when lissen to them dont get mad it is ok to be hurt but they will never tell you any thing if you are acting crazy ok just let thim say what they have to say and then you ask thim what you fill they have left out ok and i just want you guys to that my husbend never onece yealled or any thing and it got me to tell him more and so you should try that and then if that dont work kick there asses to the curb hope i help

  10. Anonymous

    My Partner of 7 years cheated on me with her friends husband. She denies all to me she left many clues. Going on the pill, pregnancy test buys mobile phone when she had a mobile anyway. Since then she has invited them around to my youngest daughters birthday party as they have young children. And i have said i do not want them in my house but she insists they are coming. His wife does not know. I decided this for the sake of both sets of children don't want them hurt. This all happened on my birthday and ten days after berrying my mother who passed away New years eve of 2007. Do i have right to be angry and call her heartless? We no longer live together she says has regrets about us. I can not go back as there was to much hurt & no love for a person like this. I thought i knew her but there you go life deals some bad cards. I am really happy with my new life and get to spend quality time with my children. As for another partner not ready yet.