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Infidelity And Emotional Affairs

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Infidelity And Emotional Affairs

Sheri Meyers (Marriage and Family Therapist) gives expert video advice on: Is having an emotional affair really cheating? and more...

What is an "emotional affair"?

Often an emotional affair is called “Chase Infidelity”, because what's happening is that you are starting a lovely emotional relationship with a person with the opposite sex where you're sharing your dreams and you're telling each other those secrets about your relationship. Maybe you're complaining to each other, maybe you are discovering new things about each other and with each other, and suddenly you're starting to think of this person a lot. Even maybe when you're at home with your partner, you're kind of bored with your partner and the other person seems so fantastic, and what's happening is that you're creating a romantic liaison without sex with another person. The problem is, you're taking all that energy that could make your relationship grow if only you gave it to your partner in the same intensity. Instead you're giving it to someone else and in a way contributing to the sinking of your relationship.

Is having an emotional affair really cheating?

Does it involve deception, intimacy and chemistry? Those are the three signs that you are having an affair. So, deception; this interaction that you are having with this person, are you going home and telling your partner about it? Are you sharing what you've shared? Is your partner invited along? If not; if the opposite is happening, if you're meeting and you're not telling your partner, and you're spending more and more time together and you're saying you're somewhere else, then you're engaging in deception. Okay, what about intimacy? Are you telling each other more and more and more about yourselves and finding out about each other? Are you like these little secret friends? If so, and you're building this intimacy, this emotional intimacy, the problem is that I doubt that you are repeating this at home. What you're giving to your new friend, chances are you're not giving back to your home partner. That's another sign that you are having an affair. The third part of it is chemistry. Whether you are having sex or not, there's often this chemistry that's happening. This, perhaps, desire to have sex that you then push down. You may be even making love to your partner thinking about this person. There's this desire there, whether you act on it or not. If you can say yes to these three things, or even two of these things, you are having an affair.

How is an emotional affair different from a platonic friendship?

There is a big difference between a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex and having an emotional affair. Basically, a platonic friendship is something of which your partner can be a part. They're not excluded. There are no secrets. You are very open about when you see the person, what you talk about, and actually your partner can join any time. In fact, "Let's bring this friend into our relationship." An emotional affair has a lot more exclusion, a lot more secretiveness; a lot more just between you and that person, with your spouse not being a part of it. That's a major difference. A platonic friendship is that; it's an open friendship that everyone's open to knowing about. An emotional affair is the opposite. There is secretiveness, there's a bonding that's happening, and there's exclusion.

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  1. pascal_169

    I love my wife very much. we have been married for 3 years and together for 10. a week ago i was flirting with my wife in bed and felt like she did not want me, i asked if something was wrong, she said no i asked again and she replied that she did not know that she was confused she did not know if she was in love with me, she told me that i was a great guy and all that stuff. i had a real hard time understanding cause our relathiship was not bad, and jut that morning she was telling me have a nice day i love you. that night she slept in an other bedroom. the following morning i tried to speak with her again with hopes of finding what was wrong and willing to do whatever needed to fix this. after asking a bunch of time she told me that yes there was someone else, i asked who we are always together, she said a few weeks ago when we were out for some friends anniversary dinner a couple was sitting in front of us and the guy was someone that she had been in love with (for a few months) before we met. she never did tell me about who that guy was or really spoke to him the following monday that guy called her at work and began to flirt with her, telling how pretty she was and that he should have had follow up on having a relathionship with my wife ten years ago. my wife and him began to talk on the phone and emails until the day that i figured it out. i know that my wife always desired to have a kid of her own (we have 3 daughter from my previous marriage) and cant have kids which makes it pretty hard for me to give her this big desire of her's. we had spoke about using a donor bank (sperm) but i had never really follow up with the idea, anyway she asked that (guy) if he had kids and he replied "no i still have not found the right women" (i forgot to mentioned that the guy is still in a relastionship with the same girl as to when my wife was in love with him ten years ago. anyhow i told my wife that i loved her soo much and that we had to try to fix this and that i needed her to stop all communication with that dirt bag if she wanted to give us a real chance, she agreed. so all seems to be going well and i am trying my best to be more helpful around the house stoped smoking (she really disliked my smoking) and said that i would be willing to look at the sperm bank (honnestly i already had made that decision earlier before she told me how she felt) but what i am trying to say is that i feel like i am the only one really trying should i give it some time or is it just over/too late

  2. skneaa

    I love The Topic Infidelity And Emotional Affair Its A Great Video For victims of Emotional Affair and Infidelity, I Do A Lot Of Research In That Dept As Well, I Love To Help People Who Are Going Through A Disastrous, Please Visit My Blog/ Website Themarriageinfidelityaffairs.com

  3. kingzo

    I RECONNECTED WITH MY EX WHO IS NOW MARRIED, SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE FEELS ABANDONED IN HER PRESENT MARRIAGE. FROM INNOCENT SHOW OF CONCERN ANT AFFECTION WE BEGAN AN AFFAIR. SHE WOULD TRAVEL MORE THAN A HUNDRED KILOMETERS TO MY CITY JUST TO HAVE A FLING WITH ME. EACH TIME WE FEEL REGRET AND WISHED IT NEVER REPEATED, BUT THE MORRE WE TRIED THE MORE WE ARE FUND OF EACH OTHER. AS A SINGLE YOUNG MAN, I THINK ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING TO MY FELLOW MAN BUT WE JUST CANT HELP IT EACH TIME WE COMMUNICATE. SEX WITH HER SEEMS TO BE THE SWEETEST EVER IN THIS WORLD. WE JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP. YET SHE CRAVES FOR MORE.

  4. starrynite

    I've started an EA after meeting an old friend at my HS reunion. We never dated then, just friends. The minute we saw each other, our connection has been unbreakable. It started out as texts, to phone calls and now I am flying 3 states away to spend the weekend with him. We are falling in love and would like to plan a future with each other. My SO of 9 years just found out that I'm involved in an EA and is suddenly becoming attentive and trying to initating sex. Our relationship has been falling apart for over 4 years, and only now does he want to save it. I want this new relationship to work out so much, but it's very hard to let my SO down easy. Any advice?

  5. mermaid69

    I have been married for 40 years! My husband has had a number of emotional affairs which he sees as "good friendships." The most recent is with a married woman, who also is/was my friend. He claims we can all be friends! I am unable to continue my friendship with this woman. I am not interested in a platonic friendship relationship with her at this time. What to do? He will NOT abandon her friendship.

  6. natalia6111

    i've been married for 4 year known my partner for 8, but only married because i felt he was a safety net for me, economically,physically and emotionally, now im having an emotional affair with my this guy, that im really likeling, i think im in the "honeymoon"phase right now, should i come clean or should i wait and see what my emotional affair partner thinks about our future?

  7. kimg

    I've had the emotional and physical affair with one guy for 6 1/2 years now. He was separated when we met, I was married. He got divorced, met another woman, married her within 10 months. Less than a year later he & I started the physical affair. That went on for 3 years. He ended the physical affair two months ago but we see each other daily so the emotional affair is still ongoing. I've been divorced for over a year and want to move on with my life but it's too hard since I see him all the time. He even calls on weekends. I love him so much but can't seem to get over him, I feel like I never will.

  8. Nancyloo

    I had an emotional affair and we both ended up leaving our spouses to be together. We have been happily married for over 10 years now. In looking back we both were in denial of how unhappy we were in our other marriages and it was our emotional affair that helped us wake up about that. Why is no one talking about this side of an emotional affair? In the long run our ex-spouses are better off without us. They are free to move on to more love in their lives. It's a misconception to think one person can be happy in a relationship when the other person isn't. I suggest my ex-husband was unhappy too. He needed to play the victim in the divorce even though he stated dating before I moved out. Someone he had known for a while. Hmmmm. It's also a misconception to think you can fix a marriage like a car. My current husband and I "worked on" our previous marriages. Turns out all that work was just keeping the truth from consciousness. I suggest an emotional affair is a fertile place for soul searching about what you need in a relationship. Maybe through this process the possiblity that the marriage you are in is flawed will surface.

  9. Anonymous

    My husband not only is having an emotional affair as he has lost weight, gets defensive when questioned, will not let me watch him when he is emailing and started a face book that I was not part. I found it through my teenagers and saw the number of pictures posted from various female colleagues- media, public relations and nationally known reporters and journalist. Being a military officer in public affairs he has crossed the line. Great article and site. Thanks

  10. Anonymous

    It seems I am having an emotional affair with a colleague. I didn't realise that's what it is, I thought of it as harmless flirting and simply getting close with someone. My wife of course sees it as something terrible altogether. How do I recover from this? I certainly dont want to lose my wife and kids, but I also dont want to lose this friend (but will if that's what is required). I have tried to bring her 'into our realtionship' by inviting her to our house, but my wife rejected her, would speak to her, etc.