Infidelity And Healing

What do we need to do as a couple to salvage our relationship after an affair?

In order to salvage a relationship after an affair, the cheating partner has to give up the lover, or whatever the act has been; whether it be the internet, the physical affair or an emotional affair. For the two of you to work on and salvage this relationship there have to be two people willing to do that. You can't do it alone; one person can't do it alone. That's where the beginning of your new relationship is starting. You can get through this. You can actually have deeper, more honest love on the other end of this. It's like rebuilding your home that's been knocked down by an earthquake. This time you're going to put a stronger foundation and a huge bunch of concrete to make your relationship firm. It starts with radical honesty. It starts with the cheater being willing to make amends and understand that they don't want to do that ever again. It takes the person who's been cheated on to have the ability, once you move through your feelings, to forgive. It takes both of you being willing to realise that your relationship is the most important thing, that you don't want to lose it and that you're both making a commitment to remarry each other. That's where it all begins. In order to rebuild your relationship from the ground up, you need to start bringing the romance back into it. At first the last thing you want to do, especially right after you've discovered there's an affair in the midst, is to get close. So, it's slowly approaching each other by spending more time together, by having more positive time together; time when you're not talking about the affair, starting to go out on dates together, and starting to see each other anew because the truth is you're not innocent anymore. There's a whole new person before you. Something has happened between you that, in a way, like an etch-a-sketch, shakes up the relationship, and lets you start new. Use this as an opportunity to discover this person; to rediscover this person, because in that you can hopefully rediscover something new that you like, some passion. Spend some time, some quality time, just together. Start bringing more romance back into your relationship. Start by being radically honest about who you are, what you want, and what you need, because the truth is you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Why do I feel so betrayed by my spouse's cheating?

You just found out that you're partner is having an affair. In whatever form that means you're partner is taking the attention, the love, the valuing, the sex and giving it to someone else. That's not the agreement you had. Of course you're going to feel betrayed; this person has been unfaithful to you. Your world is rocked, everything is shattered, and that's really natural. Truthfully you may not even know how bad you feel just yet until you start opening the door going “Woo, what happened?” Betrayal is that first stab to the heart that this really sucks. Betrayal really sucks. You're also saying “No, I don't like this. This feels awful and this is not okay”. Betrayal is a natural response to finding out that your partner has cheated. What you have to do with it is not to torture yourself in it; not stay in there any longer than you have to. You've got to start deciding on what you need; what you want in taking care of yourself right now, holding yourself through the betrayal. Betrayal is really natural. It's part of the awareness that something really horrible has happened to you. It's part of the trauma and you don't have to stay there. Take really good care of yourself right now.