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Infidelity And Healing

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Infidelity And Healing

Sheri Meyers (Marriage and Family Therapist) gives expert video advice on: What do we need to do as a couple to salvage our relationship after an affair?; How do I forgive my spouse after they have been unfaithful to me? and more...

What do we need to do as a couple to salvage our relationship after an affair?

In order to salvage a relationship after an affair, the cheating partner has to give up the lover, or whatever the act has been; whether it be the internet, the physical affair or an emotional affair. For the two of you to work on and salvage this relationship there have to be two people willing to do that. You can't do it alone; one person can't do it alone. That's where the beginning of your new relationship is starting. You can get through this. You can actually have deeper, more honest love on the other end of this. It's like rebuilding your home that's been knocked down by an earthquake. This time you're going to put a stronger foundation and a huge bunch of concrete to make your relationship firm. It starts with radical honesty. It starts with the cheater being willing to make amends and understand that they don't want to do that ever again. It takes the person who's been cheated on to have the ability, once you move through your feelings, to forgive. It takes both of you being willing to realise that your relationship is the most important thing, that you don't want to lose it and that you're both making a commitment to remarry each other. That's where it all begins. In order to rebuild your relationship from the ground up, you need to start bringing the romance back into it. At first the last thing you want to do, especially right after you've discovered there's an affair in the midst, is to get close. So, it's slowly approaching each other by spending more time together, by having more positive time together; time when you're not talking about the affair, starting to go out on dates together, and starting to see each other anew because the truth is you're not innocent anymore. There's a whole new person before you. Something has happened between you that, in a way, like an etch-a-sketch, shakes up the relationship, and lets you start new. Use this as an opportunity to discover this person; to rediscover this person, because in that you can hopefully rediscover something new that you like, some passion. Spend some time, some quality time, just together. Start bringing more romance back into your relationship. Start by being radically honest about who you are, what you want, and what you need, because the truth is you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Why do I feel so betrayed by my spouse's cheating?

You just found out that you're partner is having an affair. In whatever form that means you're partner is taking the attention, the love, the valuing, the sex and giving it to someone else. That's not the agreement you had. Of course you're going to feel betrayed; this person has been unfaithful to you. Your world is rocked, everything is shattered, and that's really natural. Truthfully you may not even know how bad you feel just yet until you start opening the door going “Woo, what happened?” Betrayal is that first stab to the heart that this really sucks. Betrayal really sucks. You're also saying “No, I don't like this. This feels awful and this is not okay”. Betrayal is a natural response to finding out that your partner has cheated. What you have to do with it is not to torture yourself in it; not stay in there any longer than you have to. You've got to start deciding on what you need; what you want in taking care of yourself right now, holding yourself through the betrayal. Betrayal is really natural. It's part of the awareness that something really horrible has happened to you. It's part of the trauma and you don't have to stay there. Take really good care of yourself right now.

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Tips & Comments
  1. Wendy001

    I found out about a year ago that my boyfriend of four years cheated on me. He had an affair with a work colleague which lasted around 2 years. I read all their e-mails and he sounded more in love with her than he's ever been with me. This means that half our relationship was a lie. He said he broke it off with her, but I'm still looking for signs that he's still seeing her. Its driving me mad. Its still putting strain on our relationship. I'm not talking to him about it anymore so I dont think he even knows that it still hurts me every day. These videos helped some. I'm going to try my damdest to stop obsessing about his infidelity. And I've also decided that I'm giving him 6 months to propose to me so I can know he is serious about this relationship - if he doesnt then its over.

  2. wonderingy22

    my husband cheated on me and when i found out he had promised that he would end things and that didnt happen. He promised that he would go to work and come right home. He had apologized for doing what he had done. Months after i had found out that he would go and see her during his lunch break and would speak with her on the phone at work so that i wouldnt find the number on his cell phone. How do you get over the second betrayal?

  3. sasaharakanji

    I just found out over the last two weeks that my wife has been having online sex and an emotional affair for over a year now. I am crying out for help, and your video has helped to give me a way forward. Thank you for this! I know our relationship can survive this, but didn't know how to start to get from the hurt and betrayal towards forgiveness and rebuilding. Thanks for your work!

  4. hopeandfaith123

    is been 2 months I found out by husband cheated on me. His affair lasted 7 months. We're trying to rebuild our relationship. for the one that the husband cheated with a 22 year. well i know how you feel lost, betrayed, fooled, angry, etc... the 22 yr old only offered youth. She probably made him feel young again. I still cry so, i know how you feel. There's not much you can do to make you feel better. Only time heals. So brace yourself and think about your kids if you have any. Hope your feeling better. I'll pray for you and all others.

  5. Anonymous

    I just found out a couple of months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair with one of his students (who is 22) and it has been devastating. I am at work right now and all I have done all day is cry. For the first time in my life, I feel LOST! I keep thinking that as time goes by it will get easier, but it seems to be getting harder. What do I do?

  6. Anonymous

    Hmmm ... have wonder what a 22 yr old can give emotionally to him.

  7. Anonymous

    I just found out on April 30 of my husbands emotional affair with a co-worker - of course I am 37 and she is 22 go figure. It had been going on for four months. I am stuggling with this. I am doing my best to be selfish for ME! He is trying to work this out as best as he can, but a part of me wonders......is it worth trying and rebuilding? The video clips have so much info and glad I found this site.

  8. Anonymous

    I was a one-time cheater who is honestly trying to turn things around for us both. What upsets me is that I didn't know she really loved me or cared for me until she found out. Rebuilding our relationship has been difficult even for me because I am getting used to the idea that she loved me and still loves me, but we are both trying. Saying sorry doesn't make her feel better. Buying her gifts doesn't make her feel better. Being close doesn't make her feel better. Keeping my distance doesn't make her feel better.

  9. jane l a

    What Dr Sheri says makes sense. I have forwarded it to my (cheating) partner and asked him to watch it too. There may still be hope for our relationship if we try hard.

  10. Anonymous

    Is has now been 3 months since I found out my husband had an affair with a co-worker. My world, my future was shattered. How, how in the world can we ever be intimate again. Why, why would I want to keep someone who had another. If we stay together, it feels as if they win.. they mis-behaved, and still get to keep us. Why would we stay. They have had the best of both sides, while we have had nothing.