Interview With A Werewolf
Where do werewolves come from?
I'm glad that we're doing this because I think there's a lot not known about werewolves. People just think they're the dude walking down the alley and they go, “Oh my God, it's a werewolf”, and they run away. And they don't really know anything about us. I mean, yes we are going to kill you - that's given, but there is a lot more of us. For instance, did you know that we are half Dutch? No, people don't know that. So originally, 150 years ago, I don't really necessarily know my personal ancestry, I think I'm Dutch, and maybe a little bit of Polish - I'm not sure. But my father's father was actually a Dutch man. And so he just made fantastic chocolate.
How does one become a werewolf?
This is an age-old secret, and I don't know if you want me to actually bite someone and film that, or if you just want me to just tell you. I'll just tell you. What happens is, a werewolf, male or female, bites a human, male or female, and then what ends up happening is a transformation, a "metamorphosis" is what we like to call it, where the body takes on a wolf-like form. Hair starts to grow, ears start to grow, fangs start to grow, and your sense of power starts to grow. And with it your ego. 'Because your ego starts to grow, you're just massive, you're far beyond any menial, small little human you could ever imagine. You're now this wonderful, powerful big wolf, and you've got all this control. What was the question?
Do werewolves eat people?
Do werewolves eat people. That's your question? Do werewolves--does a bear shit in the woods? I mean yes, a werewolf eats people, you know that's what we were bred to do, that's why we're on this earth. I could eat you right now. I'm not going to. You look kind of scrawny, you don't really seem to work out, but the boom guy behind you - sup man, how ya doing, right? What'd you have, Boston Market? Awesome. Oh yeah, 3-piece, you're looking a little plump - the point is I can eat whoever I want, yes. So werewolves eat people, it's our main source of food, it's our main source of energy.
Do you prefer werewolf or verevolf?
I personally prefer werewolf, especially if I'm around Europe, European countries. But, in the former eastern soviet blocks, they can't pronounce it, they call us verevolfs, and that's fine. It's funny, I actually have a cousin verevolf actually. He's in Romania, but we don't talk very much anymore. He got messed up on the drugs and we just don't talk much.
How do werewolves feel about waxing?
You know, I'm not smooth as a baby's behind. I get that. But there's something to be said for embracing one's roots. You know, we shouldn't be ripping out our roots. That just doesn't work for me. Personally, I think it's a passing fad. But you know there's some humans out there now - they do the whole shaved chest thing. I find that an afront to men and dogs.
Are werewolves protected by the Endangered Species Act?
Werewolves are in fact protected by the Endangered Species Act, in 1975 I think it was actually enacted. Werewolves around the world, we were just so happy because it's like a freedom to eat. It's fantastic, but try telling that to an angry mob. “Hey! Hey, I'm endangered. You can't touch me.” But they have got pitchforks, and a spade, and flame, and they're coming after you, and they just want your flesh. It just doesn't work.
How do you feel about how werewolves are portrayed in the media?
We're trying brand new things. We're stepping up. I started an organization, it's called “Werewolves in Media Power”. So, WIMP. WIMP is the name of your organization? No, Werewolves in Media Power, but that would form the word WIMP. That's not the point. The point is that it's supposed to give a positive light to werewolves in the media, with power. I don't understand. You know what? Shut up. Just shut up. I answered your damn question.
Do you know when you will transform into a werewolf?
Yes, actually, I do know when I'm going to change. It's taken a while. When you first start to become a werewolf, you don't understand the signs, or the warning signs, or what I call the "pleasure zones." What you end up finding out is that there are certain indications that you're going to change. I get very tingly sensations in my hands, in most of my extremities, and any place where a lot of hair is going to grow - this tingly sensation all over. I also have this tendency to just urinate on everything.
What is your favorite werewolf movie?
My God, my favourite werewolf movie. I am surprised that most people don't know this. But, of course, it is a classic, I Was A Teenage Werewolf. That is our Citizen Kane. The golden rule is in there, the ethical balance is in there, the way to kill someone is in there. I mean it is all there - that really is like our Breakfast Club. Michael Landon, what a brilliant man, he did a lot for us.
How do you kill a werewolf?
How do you kill a werewolf? Everyone knows about the silver bullet theory. It's true. If you hit us with any kind of silver, we're going to die. Silver bullets, silver knife, silver spoons, it doesn't matter. As long as you get it in there, we're done. A lot of people don't realize another way to kill a werewolf is by cutting out the heart. It's a lot more messy. I don't want them to know about that, because as long as we have got the silver bullet thing, usually we're okay, because most people don't have silver bullets. Let's roll back and edit out the thing about the heart because I don't want people knowing about that.
Do werewolves mate for life?
Do werewolves mate for life? No, werewolves do not mate for life, but don't tell my wife that.
