Life As A Transgender Person
What is it like growing up transgender?
Well a lot of transwomen and transmen will probably tell a similar story, just that early in life a lot of us started realizing that the way we felt inside was not the way everyone was seeing us on the outside. I often identified with other little girls although I was a little boy at the time, and wanted to play with the little girls and be among them and have the attention of the boys, and stuff. But as I got older I realized that I was not being seen as a little girl and that there was something different about me. So most of us just realized early on that there was some dissonance between the way we felt inside and the way society perceived us.
How did your friends and family react to you being transgender?
I transitioned in my early twenties, after I was able to leave home and sort of get out on my own a little. And women seem to be transitioning younger and younger as more resources are out there. It was difficult, society is still by and large very cruel and un-accepting. My own family loves me very much but they don't acknowledge or accept my transition. My friends from before are tolerant and polite, but I don't think they really get it or believe it. My friends after can't imagine me any other way so they're very accepting.
How did you change from male to female?
For me, my transition . . . transition usually involves medical, social and legal steps and they sort of crossover as to when and how you do the various things. But I started transitioning, I've always been an actor and an entertainer, so I did theater for many years and I just started transitioning and doing theater as a female. And that environment was pretty supportive actually because entertainment people are pretty cool. And I just started going out in the social role and learning the social aspects and once I got comfortable in that and started feeling confident that I could be successful at transitioning, I went ahead and started medical steps and shortly thereafter legal steps, like changing my name and legal documents.
Did you ever wish you were not transgender?
I often wish that I had just been born female, without having to transition .I never wish that couldn't just been born male and stayed male because I just have no interest ride of notification with maleness but what a nice a little bit simpler life in beginning.
What is the most hurtful thing someone has done to you?
Probably the most hurtful thing that people have done to me related to transition is either just flat out rejection or direct and intentional cruelty. The rejection hurts from people that you love, like your family. It's very hurtful to find out that family members that you loved as a child, your fondest memory of your beloved grandmother and people holding you and loving you as a child and saying “I'll always love you and you're so special to me.” And then you transition and they suddenly are disgusted by you and say cruel things and ask you to never come to family dinners or holidays again. They're ashamed of you, no matter how successful you become or what a good person you try to be. That's heart-breaking and it continues to be. People who I don't love and don't' know, strangers, have been cruel since the very beginning -- from kids in the mall mocking me as I just go about my business, to people in the streets. Being trans, you learn what it's like to be heckled by strangers, children, adults, and they have the tacit approval of society to do so and that's a strange experience.
What is the most helpful thing someone has done for you?
In the trans community, it is still large an oral tradition. The internet has made sharing information a lot easier. But the best thing that anyone had ever done for me was to just be a mentor, to be a good example. And I've encountered a few women throughout my transition who had transitioned successfully and who were willing to help me or inspire me. Nobody did everything for me and nobody had all the answers, but just having somebody to hold my hand or take me out shopping when I didn't look that great or to call me “she” and “her” when I didn't look that great. Those things were enough of a support that I was able to make it through the hard times.
How do I come out to my family and friends as transgender?
Figuring out how to come out to your friends and family as transgender is a big decision, and it's one that should be carefully considered. We are still at a point is society where we face a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of rejecting, and the Trans Community even faces a statistically astronomical level of violence. So, making this decision can determine hold your family deals with it, how your friends deal with it, and also how your job deals with it, because a lot of people can lose their job when they transition. The most important things, I think, are to plan, plan, plan, do your research and know what you're in for, what steps you're going to need to take. Find a support network, find a mentor, find somebody who has already been through it, or, failing that, find somebody that is just really going to be there for you. And, lastly, consider your audience, know how your family is, how your friends are, how your job is, and try to break it to them in a way that emphasizes that you're still the person that they love, and that everything that they've loved about you is the same except now its going to more free and more fun and more actualized.
How do you respond to the stereotype that transgender people have terrible lives?
Trans people are usually a decade or so behind gay and lesbian people I think in terms of public perception, and gay and lesbian people and trans people in the media started out as villains and sources of horror and disgust, and then they became tragic victims in film and television. You know, I think perceptions are changing and it's getting better, but we still battle things like Jerry Springer and talk shows and movies that portray us as prostitutes, punch lines and psychopaths. Basically we just have to get out there and be good examples and create our own media and get our own voices out there to overpower those negative images.
What prompted you to become a transgender activist?
For me, in 1999 I was dating a young man in the military and we had a normal heterosexual relationship, basically, although I was trans. He was a man who loved women and I was a woman who loved men. His associates in the military found out that I was trans and began harassing him, calling him gay. Although he was not attracted to men, they nonetheless applied homophobia to him. And in 1999 they murdered him in his sleep and it has been almost 9 years. So it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life to deal with that loss. But I can talk about it now with some measure of an overview about it. But I decided to seek justice for his murder and also to educate people about what trans people are. And those circumstances just led me more and more into situations where I felt like I could talk about these issues and people would listen. And I just did not want to squander that opportunity to do some good. Especially to make some good come out of Barry Winchell's murder.
What are the dangers of coming out as transgender?
Coming out as transgender still has some dangers in our current society. The sort of closest at hand danger is just rejection, you can have varying levels of rejection from your family, anything from just sort of snide comments at every family get together all the way up to violence and getting kicked out of your house. If you are not supporting your self yet if you are a minor or if your still in college and your parents are paying for it you may have to consider is coming out take away resources that you need to survive right now and you will have to make some hard choices. Beyond family you can risk losing your friends, you can risk your friends behaving differently towards you and you can risk losing your job. That is a big one because transition is expensive life is expensive and you need to earn money so you need to take all this into account and be ready.
Is there a good time to tell people I'm transgender?
The best time to tell people that you are transgendered before a transition is when you have your life in order. You know, just be ready. I would hope for the best but expect the worst. So, if you're two months behind on your rent, and you don't have a job, and your car is broken down and...you know...etc., etc., etc., and your life is not together, that might not be the best time to share something that could evaporate your whole support network. But, you know, just...just think about it. Get your life in order and then you'll be more prepared to challenge your loved ones' perception of you. After you've transitioned, if, for some reason, you feel like you need to reveal to your friends...or associates...your family's always going to know...but, if you want to tell your friends or associates, pick your moments and be aware that they are probably going to treat you differently from then on. If they've accepted you in your chosen gender and you reveal that you've transitioned, all those prejudices are going to come into play. Sometimes it feels better to be out even despite that because you don't have to worry anymore. Some people just choose to stay under cover--stay stealth--because it's more comfortable.
When do you think people are old enough to come out as transgender?
When you're thinking about the question when is someone old enough to come out as transgender you have to consider that most trans people exhibit cross gender behavior at a very early age in some way or other, but then we quickly learn that that behavior is unacceptable, or forbidden or punished so a lot of us try to hide it, some better than others. There comes a point when you realize that these feelings that you've had are something called transgender, you're not born knowing that scientific word. Some people at first think they must be gay, you know “I'm a little boy and I like other little boys and I like to dance to Britney Spears and pretend I'm her or something, I must be gay.” But then later they learn that term and they figure out, “oh, that's what I am, that better describes it.” And you have to know what you are before you can tell everybody else, so as soon as you've really figured out yourself then you can start making those decisions as to whether you are ready to come out based on your age, but as I always say you need to have your life in order and be ready for a little bit of rocky road. Although it can turn out okay, your parents can still love you, your friends can still stick by you, just be ready and be prepared.
What are some organizations that support transgender people?
There are several organizations that support transgender people. One is TransYouth Family Advocates which you can see at imatyfa.org, i-m-a-t-y-f-a.org and that's the network of parents of trans children. Children who have come out as feeling like they want to express a different gender identity than their birth gender identity. Let's see there's the International Foundation for Gender Education, IFGE, which is a great organization for people who are trans and who want to sort of know a little more about their place in the academic world and the political world. There's the National Center for Transgender Equality which is a great organization that is especially focusing on legal issues that relate to trans people. There's Press for Change which is a European organization who you can look up to see more about how these issues are working in the European world. And there's GenderPAC which is a public advocacy sort of coalition that gets out there and really sort of fights for our rights in a very in your face kind of way.
What is life like for a young transgender person?
For a young transgender person, life can often be confusing and difficult because younger people often don't know why they feel the way they do. They might feel these cross gender feelings and not understand why am I different, why am I not like I want to be. It can be confusing and scary and lonely. As things progress, people, especially other children can often be very cruel. It can become quite a cycle of isolation and loneliness. It's something that I really hope as time goes by we can break that cycle by getting more information out there and support, and more role models, because it's very difficult for a young transgender person, and anything I can do to make that easier I hope that I will be able to do.
How are transgender people treated in other cultures?
Other cultures have dealt differently with transgender people than, sort of, modern America. Back in early American History we first learn that the native and indigenous people here identified some of their members as two-spirit and those people were often revered as having a great insight into humanity because the did embody both male and female aspects.There are cultures such as India who have the Hijira, which are people in the culture who are usually born male but adopt a female identity. Sometimes they don't have medical intervention, sometimes they do. In Thailand there are the Kathoey, I hope I'm saying that right, which is how Thailand identifies transpeople. It's in some ways a lot more accepted than it is here, because there are Kathoey who are pop stars and actors and actresses and stuff, but the culture places them in sort of a third sex category more so than accepting them as women.
