Moving On Past Grief
How do I move past my grief in a healthy way?
The way to move past your grief in a healthy way is to feel your grief. Sometimes the only way out of the pain is through their pain. We think of grief as something that we need to get past, but we forget sometimes that it's the pain of the loss we are trying to escape from, and that grief is a wonderful tool that has been given to us to help us work through that pain. As you feel those feelings in time, that's how you will work through your grief in a healthy way. It is not done by trying to make it quicker or trying to slow the process down, but just by allowing the process to happen.
What is 'journaling' and how can it help me grieve?
There are many things that you can do to help you grieve. Many people find journaling as one method that helps them to write down their feelings. It also helps you in time to see how your feelings have changed, and people often think when they think about journaling that you have to write three pages a day. Sometimes journaling for the day can just be, "I miss you today". It doesn't have to be extensive writing and people find it so helpful, in time, to look back at how they changed and moved through their grief.
What are some common 'triggers' of grief?
There are many common triggers of grief and it's very surprising what they can be. Of course it can be the big things. It may be when you visit that spot that you and your loved one visited before so many times but it can be a small thing. It can be realizing that you are only doing your laundry. It may be realizing that you're eating alone. It could be just the smallest things. All of a sudden you see your loved one's keys still laying around. It might be a phone call from a solicitor who asks for them. Anything can trigger your grief and suddenly send you from feeling like you are doing well to crying and wondering if this grief is going to end. Triggers are normal and unfortunately they do happen.
How do I get through the holidays without my loved one?
The holidays can be some of the toughest days that you will go through after the loss of your loved one. Holidays are all about togetherness and how do we celebrate togetherness when we are no longer together with that loved one? So for many people they dread going into the holidays, and I often say find out what works for you and you may not know that right away. For some people the structure, the busyness of the holidays is actually helpful. Other people feel like I can't do the holidays at all and if that's true for you, give yourself permission to skip a holiday. They are going to come around again next year and you just need to know that's OK to do that. Some other things you can do is if there's events that you are going to such as Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, you can ask people to say a prayer in honor of your loved one. You can ask that a candle be lit. Many times you may want to save those things that you do them privately before the dinner or before the get together, but give your grief a place during the holidays.
Is it healthy to hang on to my loved one's belongings?
People wonder if it is healthy to hang onto your loved one's belongings. First of all, their possessions are part of who they were, their clothing, the things that meant something to them mean something to you, and letting go of those possessions is one more loss. In fact, it can be many losses. That's a process that takes time, and it's very different for different people. You may feel as if you want to handle that very quickly, and you may also feel like you're going to need some time to do that. At times people wonder how long is too long, and we go back to the idea of intensity and duration. If you've lost your loved one and their possessions are intact a week later, a month later, that's understandable. If it's a few years, then you may need professional help because grief should be fluid. We should move on with things, and you can find a way with your loved one's possessions to honor them. Perhaps give some of their things to a special charity or maybe to some people who could really need it, or to other members of the family that you think would enjoy wearing some of your loved one's clothes or having your loved one's possessions.
How do I fill the gap my loved one has left in my life?
Your loved one has left an enormous gap in your life and that gap cannot easily be filled by other things or other people. And at first, it's huge. It's overwhelming and there are times you will want to sit with it, explore it and be with those feelings. There are other times it will be overwhelming and you'll want to call a friend and have coffee and maybe just talk about how much you hurt. It's even helpful for some people to take short trips to try to fill in that gap maybe visit a place that you and your loved one met, something that is comforting and soothing to you. Just know, in time, that huge, enormous gap will change. It will get smaller. It will get easier to live with. That huge gap will become somewhat of a sacred spot in your soul and in time, you will learn to live with the one you lost. You will learn to heal. You'll learn to grow and you'll learn to actually live again.
How long is considered 'too long' to grieve?
We live in a productive society these days, and people want us to move on with our grief, recover from it quickly, be happy again. And I'm always amazed that people will ask me about their grief and say, "I'm just not getting over it." And I'll ask them, "How long has it been since your loved one has died?" And they'll say three weeks or a month, or six months. When you've loved and known someone for twenty-five years, for ten years, for five years, you don't get over it in a month. So just know, while there may be pressure from friends, relatives and society in general to get past it, do it in your own time, in your own way, at your own pace.
