Parenting Basics
What is a "parent"?
What is the proper role of a parent? One, you do not own your child. Your child has a soul. Your child has different DNA than you have. They are not a clone of you. They are not you. They are very special and unique in their own right, and that needs to be identified and cultivated so that there isn't an expectation that "The child is going to grow up and be just like me." which was a throwback to another era. So, the parent's role is to be a steward of that child, to attend to the child's growing affairs, and to teach that child how to fit into the world; to cultivate the child's education, their morals, and their development so that they can thrive in life. So, the proper role of a parent is to be a steward, a mentor, a teacher, and a disciplinarian in the sense of teaching that child how to be a grown up person.
What is an "authoritarian" parent?
There are three parenting styles that I teach in my classes.The first one is the authoritarian parent, where "I'm the Boss". Our society has been organized in a top-down fashion from the beginning of the agricultural age. Everybody has a boss, and the boss, whether that's a good person or a bad person, is the one that is in charge and tells us how to think and act. If we don't think and act the way the boss tells us how to think and act, then the big "or else" comes out.The "or else" is some form of punishment. Punishment is always fear; there's always that tension. The person who's the boss has an enormous amount of control and power over us. The downfall of the authoritarian method was that feelings didn't matter. If I was your boss I could have a lot of power over your life and you wouldn't dare speak up to me, tell me how much I'd hurt your feelings or any of that. I mean, you had to do what you were told to do out of fear.
What is "permissive" parenting?
Well a good many people, especially in the 60s there was all this uproar of "Hell no, I won't go" and "I deserve a voice" and authority was seriously challenged. Also there was a great deal of research that was done at that point that showed the downfall of the authoritarian method with the field of psychology coming in and saying, "feelings do matter. Self-esteem matters and it's abusive not to pay attention to that." So a lot of parents swung over to a very permissive style and we see this all over. We see a lot of permissive parenting and this is a serious mistake to allow children to grow up without appropriate boundaries and guidance, without appropriate mentoring, where the child is the boss. So if you look at power in a family, authoritarian parenting is where the parent has the power over the child and the child has to do what the parent says or else punishment or fear or something. Now in permissive parenting the power shifts to where the child is now in charge of the parent and if the parent doesn't do what the child says the child will embarrass them and have a fit and fall in it and carry on and so the parent caves in. Now children automatically think they ought to have whatever they want whenever they want it but part of the socialization is that we need, as parents, to get them out of that and learn the give and take of appropriate social relationship instead of, "it's just me, me, me."
How will giving my child everything he wants affect him in the future?
Children given everything they wany grow up with an enormous sense of entitlement, that they ought to have their way, and children given everything they want make horrible college roommates and worse spouses. Children given everything they want are socially maladapted because no one likes them. No one likes to have to cave in to them and give in to them and they are very frustrated in their life because they didn't learn the appropriate give and take.
What is the best way to parent a child?
Parents have to learn a whole new skill set in parenting a child. One of the skills that they have to learn, that they didn't ever really have to learn before, was how to listen. If any of us was raised with authority of our parents, listening was not their virtue. Now, to be a modern breakthrough parent, people have to listen to their children. Listen to the child's feelings and gauge the child. The power, then, through the breakthrough parenting, is not one over the other. There is a mutuality about it where we solve problems together. That is amazing shift. When parents learn how easy that is to do; to solve problems with children, instead of telling children how to think and act "because I said so", they are astonished. The satisfaction they get out of being a parent when their child is solving their sobbing problems with them, willingly and happily following through; the struggle disappears. They become so close with their children. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing that every parent wants.
How can I relate my work life to my life as a parent?
So if I went to work, I'm working at a corporation, and I said to Dave, "Dave! Come on, hurry up! Finish this up. We've got to go. You're late." Dave would be insulted that I would be treating him that way, wouldn't he? Well, we do that to our children without thinking, so don't do that to your children. Instead, "You know, we need to go, because we're going to be late if we don't leave right now." That's how that I would treat a co-worker. Well, use that with your children. That same politeness, that same respectfulness that we know to do with other adults, let's transfer that and use that with our children. You get amazing results right there, and we're back to the idea of respect.
What do I do if my partner and I disagree on "parenting styles"?
If you have a different parenting style, then run, don't walk to the nearest parenting class. There's a world of difference in parenting classes, so keep looking. Why take one parenting class and think that it's a done deal? Children grow from babyhood through all of these stages, and there are many very skilled and wonderful, wonderful parent education classes for each age a child goes through. So why get stuck; why take a baby care class and think that's going to do the job for a teenager?
What is the key to successful parenting?
Improving one's listening skills is the key to successful parenting. And listening involves, "What is the person feeling? What is the situation, and why do they feel that way?" So a receptive listening sentence would be, "You're upset about your toy breaking because it was one of your favourites." Now, if that's exactly what the child is feeling about the toy, you've really connected with that child, the key to successful parenting. "So you're really thrilled about getting your dance scholarship because you worked so hard at it."In this case, you understand my feeling about the situation and why. Authoritarian parents don't do that. They miss by a mile. And the receptive listening, learning to listen, is absolutely the key to successful parenting. It isn't hard, but it's a new skill that many parents haven't really learned.
