Parenting: Discipline And Punishment
What is "punishment"?
Punishment is anytime a parent causes pain, either emotionally or physically. That's punishment. Punishment always builds fear, and historically we've felt that children have to be afraid in order to learn and cooperate. They have to be afraid of us. Nothing has changed more than that concept for a modern parent, is children don't need to be punished and they don't need to be afraid. It's better if they're not afraid of their parents. If their parents are seen as people who love them no matter what and that they can solve problems with, that's better.
What is "physical punishment"?
We don't allow domestic violence with men hitting women, women hitting men, but we still allow the domestic violence of an adult hitting a child. A child is not allowed to defend him or herself. They're not allowed to fight back. They're not allowed to yell and scream back. They have to just take it. We have to raise our consciousness that domestic violence is not okay in our families - period, and hitting children is domestic violence by my definition.
What is "verbal punishment" for children?
Verbal punishment is any time that the parent's rage is directed to a child in a way that the parent has not controlled themselves and doesn't have adequate boundaries about their rage, and is blaming, chastising and threatening the child.
What are "time-outs" for children?
Time-outs are one of my favorite subjects, because in the transition from the old authoritarian punishments, spanking, and threats, the parent-educators in the middle of the 20th century and later said you know let's use time-out instead. So if the child is misbehaved, we'll put him in time-out. And the old Dennis the Menace sitting in the corner in the rocking chair with his little teddy bear, facing the corner. But people would put a chair, a child in a chair and say you sit there for five minutes or ten minutes or whatever it was and they'd call that time-out.
How can I effectively use time-outs with my child?
Well, as I was thinking about this time-out issue, I thought, wait a minute time-out is something that everyone needs. Adults need time-out. There are lots of times you need to just take a time-out and go do something else. Well that's no different with children, so if children are getting in an upset place, or reactive, or something just like an adult they need to take a time-out. That's no different for them than it is for you. So I would reccommend the you teach children to take their own time out. And if they don't know that you teach them what time- out is. And say, "You know this isn't going so well for you and you need to take a time-out right now." And you can demonstrate that with your own behavior. Say, "You know what kids I'm sitting geeting really tired and I'm upset, I need to go take a time-out." So it's the same for both. Intead of making it a punishment or making it that, teach your children we all need a time-out. Including them and not make it a punishment.
What is "discipline"?
Discipline is always going to be teaching. Always, teaching. You're teaching the child how to think, how to act, how to be in the world. You're teaching them. And you're teaching them why to do that. That's always it. So in contrast of punishment, you're not teaching. Punishment is, there's a misconception that if the child's been spanked that they now know better. Well they may know not to do that, but they may not understand.So discipline is always going to be about teaching them. And you teach them a better way of understanding, of how to understand the world. Why is the grass green, and why is the sky blue, and why is this and that, and the other thing? You teach them, and you also teach them boundaries, appropriate boundaries and why those boundaries exist.
When should I start teaching my child discipline?
You start teaching discipline at age 4, 5, 6, 7. Right in there is the normal people-pleasing stage where a child will automatically developmentally want to please you; want to make you happy, so are receptive to discipline. They realized they will get more of what they want if they make my Mommy and Daddy happy with them, obey their discipline. It is still the same motive but now they are learning to make the Mom or Dad happy. You are vacuuming. They want to vacuum. You're shopping. They want to shop. You are cooking. They want to cook. They want to be like you. There is heavy modelling going on in that period. The parents are very involved in catching them being good. You see how important this stage is, "Oh thank you for helping me. I really appreciate your helping me dust. You helped put away all the toys and you cleaned up your room. That's really wonderful." Catch them being good, and they will learn discipline. Now that is setting the stage for the child's future and getting them out of this me, me, me thing.
What is the most effective way to discipline a child?
The most effective way to discipline a child is to teach them. And the way to teach them discipline best is to use statement sentences that explain what the situation is, use receptive listening to hear their point of view, because they may have another idea, so you're listening to their idea, and then you use mutuality to solve problems together. We solve problems together by those six steps.
What are the most common mistakes parents make when disciplining children?
Common mistakes that parents make in disciplining children is to get overly involved in their emotions. When the emotions are carrying the day, you're in drama, and you're not really solving problems with discipline. So, if the parent is starting to get emotional, and upset or is already, that's not a good time be doing discipline and teaching because the override of the emotions. So, that's time for a time-out. The parent needs to take a time-out, the child take a time-out, then you go back to it. Time-out is you calm down, you relax, and then you get into your thinking mind, your logical mind and solve problems, explain things, and discipline the child. Children want to cooperate with us. And the reason they don't is because we don't know how to elicit that cooperation from them. It's us, we need to get a grip on the best approach in the situation. And parents are astonished at how fast they can move from struggle to cooperation with their children when they are using better and better methods of communication to instil discipline.
How do I help my child "learn his lesson" from discipline?
Children's task in life is to learn. Children's task is to be socialized into the world that they live in, and they automatically do that. If you facilitate their learning in a way I'm recommending, then they will learn it faster than other children where the parents are still involved in punishment and all the other things. So children will become socialized very, very quickly if parents are using these optimal, modern techniques. I've seen this, I've heard this over and over from parents in my classes, is that they have so much cooperation from their children that other parents are in awe of them, and they say, "How do you do it? How do you take your children to dinner and sit down and really enjoy yourself and have a lovely conversation and the children don't make a mess and they're not up and down and running around and yelling and so how do you do it?" They're breakthrough children. How do you have children that expect that when there's a problem that the parent will solve problems with them? They expect that because they're so used to solving problems with their parents instead of having their parents dump on them what the parent thinks ought to have happen.
