Parenting: Plans For Divorce
What is a "parenting plan" during a divorce?
With regards to parenting and divorce, a parenting plan is very critical because when parents separate, they have to make some really big decisions about who is going to do what and when, and who is going to pay for it. Parents need to put together a whole time share schedule so that the child knows when they're going to be with Daddy and when they're going to be with Mummy. They need to figure out all kinds of things that they never had to figure out while they were married, because as the children grew, they just would have figured it out together in the marriage and through discussions. However, now all of a sudden they have to put together a whole plan for this child's life. This parenting plan becomes a blueprint for the child, and how they're going to live is extremely important.
Why is it important to agree upon a parenting plan during a divorce?
Parents really need to think through how the time share will go before they sit down and tell the child that they're getting a divorce. There very well may be really serious complications to a parenting plan, like one parent wants to move across the country, or the child's changing schools, or something really big is happening. We're moving in with grandma and grandpa. Parents really need to sit down and understand what is the parenting plan. It's so easy to get very emotional and upset, and blaming and shaming, and lose track of the child, and the child then falls through the cracks because the parents weren't able to figure the parenting plan out ahead of time.
Should I have a parenting plan for each of my children?
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How do I create a parenting plan that is "best for my children"?
What is best for children is a principle that's used and said over and over. I don't know to what extent it's used – that's a problem. It's said over and over – My plan is best for the children – No, no, my plan is best for the children. You can always have an argument one way or another about what's best for children. So, applying this principle of what's best for the children can be extremely complicated, particularly when the parents don't agree, and they don't agree on a lot of things – that's why they're getting a divorce. So, the courts are appealed to to decide what is best for the children. It gets thrown around a lot and it doesn't necessarily end up being best for the children. There's a lot of negotiating, there's a lot of gray area here, and people have a tendency to think in black and white during the time when they're getting a divorce.
When should I discuss a "parenting plan" during my divorce?
Start discussing the parenting plans as soon as the two of you decided to get a divorce. And how it is going to work, how will I be able to stay intouch with my child if I move out. What is the best time to move out. What are the implications of all these things. Ideally parents can figure out themselves and they're all happy with the result that's the ideal and many parents can do that.
What do I do if my partner and I don't agree on our parenting plan?
Some parents are getting divorced because they don't communicate well, they don't talk well with each other, they don't solve problems together well. The next best thing to agree a parenting plan is to hire a mediator. That is the very best way to go. This is a person who's trained in listening to both sides and then not taking sides and helping people communicate with each other about the best interest of the child and the best interest of everybody in the family, to set a sensible parenting plan. And many times parents don't understand each other: there's a lot of conflict going on and they're not really listening to each other. A mediator can help people listen to each other in a depth that they need to listen and that's a positive service. That's the place to go to agree a parenting plan. In fact, most of our courts now are requiring that parents go to a mediator to agree a parenting plan before they ever go to the court for good reason because with a person who's a professional at mediation they can help people settle their differences quite quickly. And it isn't necessary to go to a judge. So they have a very high success rate in courts when they require mediation. And mediation isn't just a one shot deal. I mean you go back and back you go back and you figure it out and that's a very powerful wonderful service.
How can I get help with developing my parenting plan?
So many parents were in my class in a terrible mess. This could have been resolved early on, but it wasn't resolved because they didn't have their plan figured out. They weren't organised enough. Then I realized, well, who ever makes a parent plan for a child? You figure it out as you go along. However, when parents seperate it now becomes one of the most important tools they've got, and they don't know how to do it. So, I wrote this book called "Creating a Successful Parenting Plan; A Step-by-step Guide for the Care of Children in Divided Families" There's no cookie cutter approach to a parent plan because families are just as different as can they can be, but they all still need to figure out where the child is going to school, who the paediatrician is, what social events the child is going to attend. They need to figure out what the time share is, and who is going to pay for what. When people sit down with this plan, they know most of it already because they're doing it. There are refinements that go into the decision, for example one thing that parents very rarely ever think of is regarding special days; that they can make an exception to the basic plan when there's something special going on and it's not their designated day. There are so many subtleties to a plan so people are very grateful when they see what a plan is. It's not hard to do, it's just hard to create it all by yourself.
Where can I find sample parenting plans?
With regards to plans for divorce, the best place to find a sample parenting plan is online. There are kinds of people that have posted parent plans online. The courts use a standard form which is fine but doesn't get into detail the way I've put my parenting plan together. There are many parent plans because every parent has to make one for their child.
