Parenting: Preparing For Divorce
How do I prepare my child for my divorce?
Preparing children for divorce is very important. What's important is that you're prepared. That conversation shouldn't happen unless the parents have figured out what their plan is for the child. They should tell the children together. They should be upbeat about the rearrangement. They should explain to them that both parents still love them. Children will automatically think, one: "I caused it." Very few parents really understand the depth of what I'm saying right now; that children will often think, "If I had been a better boy," "If I had been a better girl," "If I hadn't made my parents mad that night they'd still be together. Children universally want their parents to stay together. No matter how horrible one of them is or both of them are together, they still want them together. That's pretty standard.
What should I tell my child about my divorce plans?
Children need to know the basics of why are we getting a divorce, where are we going to live, how am I going to see both parents, what's going to happen? Where will I go to school? What kind of changes are in store? There are many changes. So, we have to explain to them when the parents will be separating, take the child to the other parents apartment or new home and let them explore that before the move happens ideally. So that they are grounded in this change that is coming. Children really hate change. It isn't in their nature to feel comfortable with change at all. They need a lot of reassurance that they are going to be okay. It isn't, for children, about protecting their parents. It isn't, for children, about being in the role of taking care of Mommy or Daddy. The parent role is still vitally important on the part of both parents so the constant reassurances that they are going to be okay is really what the bottom line is.
What should I not tell my child about my divorce?
What you should not tell your child is whose fault it is because it's always going to be both of your faults. You got together. You had this child. There are certain incompatibilities that were there from the beginning. You both made some poor choices. Don't blame the other parent. Children are very smart. They can figure things out. The one thing to do is, do not talk in front of your child on the telephone or with friends or allow other people, relatives or friends to talk badly about the other parent while the child is listening. Do not do that. That's crossing a line that is psychologically damaging to children. Even if the other parent is a total low life, is just obnoxious and horrible or whatever. Don't go there. Just leave them out of it. It's an adult problem and the parent should explain to the child as much as a child needs to learn and no more. Too many parents get into telling all. One of the worst things that a parent can do is to use the child as their very convenient therapist to go off on how bad, and horrible and awful the other parent is.
How will a "court mediator" help me before my divorce?
One of the things that happens in Los Angeles is court mediation. Parents are required to walk through the door of the mediator and the mediator will listen to both parents and discover if there is room to negotiate and figure things out. If the parents are being reasonable. In cases where one parent or both parents hate each other so much there's so much anger and frustration that mediation is not going to work. So therefore, they need to hire attorneys and go to court. A very expensive proposition. It's so much better to suck it up and go to a court mediator to figure it out. Court should only be used for those very serious cases. Parents need to figure it out.
