Parenting: Resolving Family Conflict
What is "conflict"?
With regards to resolving family conflict in parenting, conflict is when two people have a different point of view about how something should be. Conflict is a very healthy thing, we have this attitude that it conflict is kind of a bad thing, but it isn't. If we didn't have conflict no-one would grow. Conflict is a very healthy thing; if people know how to solve their problems then they can resolve their conflict. But, if people don't know how to resolve it and get into drama, emotionality and so on, then they escalate the conflict into something that is really horrible.
When is the best time to present a problem and resolve a conflict?
In terms of solving conflict, whether it be with another adult or with a child, timing is kind of important. It's very important. If someone is tired and is just definitely not in the mood, that's not a good time to solve problems. But what I found with our children was really amazing. We would have these big gnarly problems. And what I discovered is that right after dinner was the most astonishingly good time to solve problems. Not during dinner, but after everybody has a full tummy and they're relaxed, I found that we could just cut to the chase very quickly with the kinds of problems that we were having. So it is important to have good timing about this kind of thing, and if it starts escalating into an emotional thing, take a time out. Just don't give up. That's not the idea. But in order to really solve problems that have a conflict element to it, you need to be rational. People who are in their emotional side, that's not rational and that's not logical.
How do I prevent conflicts with my child?
I don't think that you can prevent conflict. I don't think that it's a good idea to expect that you're not going to have conflict with a child or another member of a family or in life. Conflict is part of life. What's important is that you learn how to handle conflict, not to eliminate it, not to not have it. I can't imagine a person that lives a live ever that doesn't have conflict.
How do I resolve a conflict with my child?
If you and your child have a disagreement which you are in conflict about, in order to resolve it you first of all have to figure out what is the disagreement. A good many times when people are in conflict they are missing each other. They don't hear each other, they haven't heard adequately what the other person's talking about. So you need to communicate with each other in such a way, "I understand you. You understand me" so we know what we're talking about, to resolve conflict. Conflict implies emotions, "I feel very strongly about this" so there's some emotional component to it. You or the other person's in a highly emotional state so it's not likely you're going to be able to listen receptively to each other. In some cases to resolve conflict people need to go to someone separate from them. They need to go to a person who will be a mediator and doesn't have a vote but listens to both sides and help the two people really understand each other and resolve the conflict. Many times when people understand each other, "Oh. Oh, OK. That's what you..Oh," because they just didn't understand each other. And once they understand they can resolve the conflict very easily or they can learn to agree to disagree or they can collaborate on another kind of solution. A mediator, like another family member, or nowadays there are professional mediators...God bless them, it's a wonderful service...where they listen and they help people come up with creative solutions to resolve conflict that they couldn't have possibly thought of themselves.
What do I do if my child and I can't resolve our conflict?
Sometimes we need to go to another person to help us figure out what is a solution so it's a win-win. This is the point that it ends up being a win-win solution for you and for me. And when it's a win-win you've really resolved the conflict. A win-win may also be agreeing to disagree because in the modern way you don't have to have the rigidity of the old authoritarian it's my way or the high way. It's that this is a situation where I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me. We're going to agree to disagree and let it rest. If it's not an emergency, why not? People can have different values and different ways of thinking and doing things. If it's not something that's unsafe or something like that, okay. You have your point of view. I don't agree with you. In many families you have people who are from one political party versus another political party. You can agree to disagree on this stuff. I mean it kind of makes a rich kind of family life that we're not all exactly clones of each other. That's not what life is about.
How do we resolve conflict without affecting our child?
Parents have disagreements, and that is inevitable. What's most important is that they don't hide their disagreements from their children, because disagreements and conflicts are part of life. However, if the disagreement is serious and there is a lot of emotionality involved in it, the parents need not to be doing that in front of their children; not having these very heavy-handed, insulting, disrespectful fights with each other where the child is a witness to it. That is a very serious, serious thing not to do.
When should I find professional help for a family conflict?
People ought to be seeking out professional help when the conflict that is chronic is just not getting better. Nowadays, there is so much help available. There's the whole parent education thing and learning skills. But now there are therapists, now there's mediators, there's endless people who are trained, have heavy-duty training. You can't believe the training that they have had that you haven't had. And you can call them to help undersand the situation and figure this stuff out. So go get professiona help. Don't have that arrogant pride. Somebody just told me recently, "Well, he doesn't believe in therapists." So he's got a daughter that's dropped out of high school at age 16 and is utterly dysfunctional, nobody likes her and so and so forth, and he doesn't believe in therapy? I mean, please! Get off of that. That's dysfunctional.
