Parenting Rules And Values
How do I instill my values in my children?
Every time I ask parents "What's the number one way children learn from their parents?" they all say the same thing: "By example." So your example is the number one teacher for children. If you lie and cheat and steal, if you're abusive, if you use spanking and corporal punishment and bullying behavior, if you use chastising and heavy-handed withdrawing of privileges and so on and so forth, guess what the child is going to learn? Those values. If you're respectful to the child, that's the value they learn. If you're disrespectful, that's what they learn. You attract what you project. It's just a law of the universe--you attract what you project.
What type of rules should I set for my child?
Well the top ten rules should be all base on respect. Every person in the family ought to be respected, everyone. And everyone in the family deserves to have their needs met, whatever those basic needs in the family is not going to be the same. Equal isn't fair. So if you have a small child and an older child, you're not gonna give them equal things. You're gonna base them on their age. If you have a child with special needs so it's gonna be equal they're gonna need a lot of resources to help them with that special needs. You have an illness in the family then so it's gonna be equal, what's fair is you make an extra effort to help that person that has some illness to get better.
How do I establish rules for my child?
If the parents are imposing rules on children, they're likely to get some rebellious response. Think about this. Do you like it when someone controls you? I never had anybody in my classes say they liked it. We like to be in a sense of choice about our life. And children are no different than we are. They want to be in a sense of choice too. So for one thing, your children as infants and toddlers and so on are learning the rules, basic rules as they grow. That's one thing. But once they're in elementary school, where the number one developmental task in elementary school is what is fair. Now, what is fair is determined by rules. Therefore, at that point, you want to engage your children in deciding what the rules are to be. And you do that with participation. You say, "Well, I want to know what you think our household rules are to be."
Why are rules important for my child?
If children grow up without rules, and particularly without rules that they agree to, and respect, it's a problem. Think about the task of being a parent to a child, is to socialize the child to fit into the larger community. To be able to leave the family and to go out into the world and be an independent person in their own right, and to take care of themselves, and to take care of other people, to be a mature, grown-up, responsible human being. And when parents show their children that and expect that from their children, they're helping that child to grow up and be an independent, healthy person in their own right.
How do I know if I'm being too strict or too permissive with my children?
If a parent worries if they're being too strict or too permissive, number one I suggest they take a parenting class; two they can say to their children "I want to know if you think I'm too strict, I want to know if you think I'm too permissive." See what they say, listen, receptively listen, and see what they say. Also one of the ways you can tell if you're being too strict and too permissive is that when one is being too strict, it means too authoritarian; the child's not being consulted enough, you're not working with the child. If you are being too permissive, your child has an expectation that is unrealistic; that they ought to have whatever they want whenever they want it. This is inappropriate.
Should I stay firm on family rules all the time?
With parenting rules and values, some family rules have to do with safety. The parents must make sure that children adhere to safety rules, for sure. Other rules have flexibility in them. For example, if you have a child that is in young elementary school, maybe bed time is eight o'clock, eight-thirty, and then as the child gets older, you change the rules according to the needs of the situation. However, it should always make sense in the context of the situation. Always use participation in parenting, unless you have a child that is just not participating, or if you have a child that is really angry, upset, or sick, then you need to take charge of the situation. When possible, don't take charge, have the child engage with you in a problem solving activity where you come up with solutions that work for both the parent and the child.
