Post-Adoption Issues
How do I prepare my home for my newly adopted child?
You should prepare your home for your new adopted child as close to when that child is going to arrive at your home as possible. You should provide comfortable furniture, warm blankets, some toys if they are age appropriate, and a crib if its a baby. It's fairly simple with nothing too elaborate, but just a warm and inviting environment. You want to be sure that you don't begin preparing for your child to arrive too early in the process, just in the event that the adoption doesn't go through.
How do I prepare for my new child?
You should prepare for your new adopted child by making sure that your house is safe for a child. You might want to bring in an expert if you can, particularly if you're adopting a baby or a toddler, to child-proof the house. Otherwise, you want to apply common sense to make sure that there are no objects or areas that may endanger a child. From a practical standpoint, you want to make sure that you have a will, that you have someone who can take of that adopted child or assume guardianship in the event that something happens to you. You also want to make sure that you have life insurance, and that when the adoption is finalized, you add the adopted child to your health insurance.
Should I change the name of my adopted child?
If you're adopting an older child, it is definitely preferable that you keep that child's name - particularly their first name. Their last name will change; they will most likely take your last name. If the adopted child is an infant and you are working with a birth-mother, you may want to work with her to choose the name. Or, you may want to go through the regular process that everyone goes through in choosing a name for their child.
How can I change the name of an adopted older child?
You can change the name of an adopted older child, but it's preferable not to. Should you want to change the name of a adopted toddler, it's good to do it gradually. Perhaps you can incorporate elements of the child's soon-to-be name, with their current name, so that it's a gradual transition for them. If it's an older adopted child, perhaps you'd want to have the child's former last name become their middle name so that they preserve a sense of their history and something that is a part of them.
What is "bonding" and "attachment"?
Bonding is the establishment of an emotional link between you and your adopted child. An attachment is the process by which, over time, you and your adopted child start to share love, knowledge and that deep emotional bond.
How long does it take for my adopted child and I to become attached?
Bonding and attachment is probably one of the biggest concerns for adoptive parents, and it is a process that takes place over time. It certainly usually is faster with toddlers and infants. Older children may have been through a period of grief and loss and disruption, so it may take them longer to form those bonds. But that's not to say that they wont form them, it'll just take time.
How can I help the bonding and attachment process with my adopted child?
If you want to help your adopted child through the bonding and attachment process, you want to make sure that you go at their pace. You shouldn't rush them; you should make them feel comfortable with situations, with questions, but really do it at their time frame, so that they are taking each step in a way that is developmentally and comfortable for them. There are activities you can do together that establish you as a family. You can travel together as a family, build a garden or put together a family scrapbook. Things that are family activities that bring you closer together with your child may also help with the bonding process with your adoptive child.
As a new adoptive parent, what issues should I look out for?
Adopted children will usually go through a period of adjustment to their new environment. They may experience some anger, some grief, some shame. It will depend on the circumstances from whence the child came. Particular international adoptions may be more difficult because the child may literally be shifting to an entire new culture and a new language. Some kids will do things that look like they're pushing the parents away, but it's simply them testing their new environment and their new surroundings to see how people will react, and to see if the unconditional love that they're looking for is actually going to be there for them. Some children, because their life may have been chaotic prior to the placement, will want to exert tremendous control over their environment. And so the simplest disruption, a movement of a piece of furniture or something seemingly simple, may really upset them in a way that seems disproportionate.So again, it really depends on the child. But most children, when they're provided with love and support, and whatever else they need, can work through this and thrive.
When do I tell my child he's adopted?
There are two schools of thought on when you should tell your child that he or she is adopted. One says that you should tell your child about the adoption as soon as he or she is verbal and able to comprehend what you are telling them. The other school of thought says you should wait until the child starts inquiring his or herself about their situation, and that is the point at which you should start talking about adoption. It is universally agreed, however, that the best place for the child to learn that he or she is adopted is from the adoptive parents. It's part of the process of building trust and openness between the adopted child and their parents.
How should I answer my child's questions about adoption?
Openness is probably the most important criteria when you're talking to your child about adoption. If they have questions about their birth parents and you're comfortable giving them information, you should give them as much as, again, you're comfortable with. You should not portray the birth parents as saints or sinners; but again, be honest about them. You should be honest about your reasons for adopting. And your discussions with your child about adoption should be an ongoing conversation; it doesn't really have a beginning or an end, because over the years, your child will have different questions as he or she is searching and trying to figure out his or her own identity. So the questions will change, so it's important you remain open to talking about the issue.
How can I help ease the transition of my adopted child?
You can help ease your adopted child's transition by being open and discussing the issue. Do not use language that's loaded, whether it's about the birth parents, or thinking about introducing the child into the larger fabric of your life. Remember that it's a lot for your adopted child to take in, particularly if it's an older child and they're meeting a number of new people for the first time. You want to be sensitive to how, particularly an older child, would like to be referred to. Perhaps they want people to know they're adopted, or perhaps they don't. You want to make sure that you have that conversation with your adopted child so that they're comfortable with the language that you're using.
What should I tell others about my adoption?
You should tell people that adoption is one way to create a family, and that through adoption, you've created a beautiful, loving, warm and wonderful family; you've created a permanent family, that that child will always be a part of you and your life. You may also want to remind people that adopted children grow up to be just fine, just like people's biological children. There are still some prejudices and misconceptions about adoption that are out there; there are much less than there were before, but it never hurts to remind people that adopted children are children, first and foremost.
If I'm raising a transracial family, what issues should I look out for?
If you're raising a transracial family, unfortunately, one of the issues you're going to have to look out for is racism. People have a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions about transracial families, and they may project that onto the family in an inappropriate fashion. You have to be prepared to deal with that. You may also have to help your adopted child through struggles with his or her cultural identity and issues of race. There's a number of places that will help you do that, but it is something that you should definitely be attenuated to.
Should I encourage my adopted transracial child to learn about their racial background?
You should encourage your adopted transracial child to learn about their racial background. It's a very important part of who they are and you should give them the opportunity and ability to learn more, should they choose to. You can help your adopted transracial child learn more about their background by joining a club, working with groups or finding a church or a community center that affords them the ability to learn more about their culture.
Should I encourage my adopted child to seek out their birthparents?
You should really leave the decision of whether your adopted child wants to seek out their birth parents to the child. Some adopted children choose to seek out their birth parents, some don't. If your child does choose to seek out their birth parents, you should be available to help them with that process.
