Post-Adoption Issues
Should I change the name of my adopted child?
If you're adopting an older child, it is definitely preferable that you keep that child's name - particularly their first name. Their last name will change; they will most likely take your last name. If the adopted child is an infant and you are working with a birth-mother, you may want to work with her to choose the name. Or, you may want to go through the regular process that everyone goes through in choosing a name for their child.
What is "bonding" and "attachment"?
Bonding is the establishment of an emotional link between you and your adopted child. An attachment is the process by which, over time, you and your adopted child start to share love, knowledge and that deep emotional bond.
How long does it take for my adopted child and I to become attached?
Bonding and attachment is probably one of the biggest concerns for adoptive parents, and it is a process that takes place over time. It certainly usually is faster with toddlers and infants. Older children may have been through a period of grief and loss and disruption, so it may take them longer to form those bonds. But that's not to say that they wont form them, it'll just take time.
As a new adoptive parent, what issues should I look out for?
Adopted children will usually go through a period of adjustment to their new environment. They may experience some anger, some grief, some shame. It will depend on the circumstances from whence the child came. Particular international adoptions may be more difficult because the child may literally be shifting to an entire new culture and a new language. Some kids will do things that look like they're pushing the parents away, but it's simply them testing their new environment and their new surroundings to see how people will react, and to see if the unconditional love that they're looking for is actually going to be there for them. Some children, because their life may have been chaotic prior to the placement, will want to exert tremendous control over their environment. And so the simplest disruption, a movement of a piece of furniture or something seemingly simple, may really upset them in a way that seems disproportionate.So again, it really depends on the child. But most children, when they're provided with love and support, and whatever else they need, can work through this and thrive.
When do I tell my child he's adopted?
There are two schools of thought on when you should tell your child that he or she is adopted. One says that you should tell your child about the adoption as soon as he or she is verbal and able to comprehend what you are telling them. The other school of thought says you should wait until the child starts inquiring his or herself about their situation, and that is the point at which you should start talking about adoption. It is universally agreed, however, that the best place for the child to learn that he or she is adopted is from the adoptive parents. It's part of the process of building trust and openness between the adopted child and their parents.
What should I tell others about my adoption?
You should tell people that adoption is one way to create a family, and that through adoption, you've created a beautiful, loving, warm and wonderful family; you've created a permanent family, that that child will always be a part of you and your life. You may also want to remind people that adopted children grow up to be just fine, just like people's biological children. There are still some prejudices and misconceptions about adoption that are out there; there are much less than there were before, but it never hurts to remind people that adopted children are children, first and foremost.
If I'm raising a transracial family, what issues should I look out for?
If you're raising a transracial family, unfortunately, one of the issues you're going to have to look out for is racism. People have a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions about transracial families, and they may project that onto the family in an inappropriate fashion. You have to be prepared to deal with that. You may also have to help your adopted child through struggles with his or her cultural identity and issues of race. There's a number of places that will help you do that, but it is something that you should definitely be attenuated to.
Should I encourage my adopted transracial child to learn about their racial background?
You should encourage your adopted transracial child to learn about their racial background. It's a very important part of who they are and you should give them the opportunity and ability to learn more, should they choose to. You can help your adopted transracial child learn more about their background by joining a club, working with groups or finding a church or a community center that affords them the ability to learn more about their culture.
Should I encourage my adopted child to seek out their birthparents?
You should really leave the decision of whether your adopted child wants to seek out their birth parents to the child. Some adopted children choose to seek out their birth parents, some don't. If your child does choose to seek out their birth parents, you should be available to help them with that process.
