Preparing Children For Single Parenting
When should I talk to my child about our family separation?
A good time to talk to your child about a family separation is pretty much right away because children feel it anyway. Whether it's quiet or whether it's anger, children pick up on it - parents don't even know how fast. The first thing that's important to do is make sure the child knows that he or she didn't cause it, they can't fix it, it wasn't their fault, and that both parents love them deeply. There's a lot of books like "Dinosaur's Divorce" and different books that you can get, that you can read to your child which is really great, and the child can read the book too after you've read it, just whenever they feel like they need that kind of emotional support. So there's lots of resources for children and for parents to help their children.
How can I help my child cope with our family separation?
The first thing that I think is really important for children that are going through a family separation, I call them children of divorce because they're going through it - it's like they're divorcing as well and it's a big thing for them, is get them around other children that are single parent children. My son, when I did the single parent support groups, and he'd run into someone he knows, he'd invite them to the group and the child would go "but we're not divorced", and Sam would go "that's too bad". So it kind of turns it around so that if your child is with other children that maybe go from house to house, or live with their mother, then they feel like there's really nothing wrong with it, and they get used to it, and they have friends that they can play with. That they can talk to.
How do I explain my partner's abandonment to my child?
When you're in a situation where the father lives in another state or has a new family and isn't really spending a lot of time with your child, it's hard on your child. The best thing that you can do is just keep letting him or her know that she's deeply loved and set something up that maybe they can get letters or emails or something. If there is no contact at all, then bring in another role model, whether it's a big brother or a big sister, something to not replace the father but to be there in place of.
What if my child is angry at me for our family separation?
A lot of children are going to be angry at you for your family separation and your divorce, because they're not going to understand it. Sometimes all you can do is just let them be angry, read them books to help them understand, and put them in therapy, even if they're too young to talk, for talking therapy. They can do art therapy, and a lot of things that they can draw will help them get their anger out and help you understand more of what they need.
What if my child becomes distant during our family separation?
A lot of children have been going to go through their own cycle. Some are going to be really quiet, and some are going to want be locked in their room. Children, depending upon their personality, are going to react in different ways. That's why, again, therapist's are really important. Also, if you have an extended family they can spend time with Grandma, Grandpa, or let them do anything where they can still feel that they have a firm family foundation.
Should I allow my children to decide their custody?
Children are going to have a lot of ideas when it comes to divorce of who they might want to live with. They tend to take things on the I-want-parent versus the other, so there are lots of things that happen. Some children when they're older, when they're teenagers can choose who they want to live with. If it's a boy they may want to live with their father or they might want to live with their mother. So, children do choose when they're teenagers but when they're younger they need to be guided. They need rules and boundaries and freedom to make the decisions.
Should I tell my child's school about our family separation?
I am a big believer in telling your child's school about the divorce or separation. They are going to know anyway because they are going to see changes in your child. The school will see changes in the child, whether it's that their more quiet, acting out or their sad; there is so much sadness that happens too because I think it's really important to tell the teacher, the counsellor, the principle or whoever you think should know. Also, when you do that, you can also find out other children in the classroom that have gone through that which is helpful for your child as well.
Should my children tell their friends about our family separation?
When your child goes through their own divorce, really, which is what they call it, they'll talk to their friends a lot about it. And it might not be a bad idea to tell your child's best friend's parents what's going on, because that's more helpful as well. The more people that know in a close proximity, I think that's really helpful for your child.
How should parents divide a child's property?
Dividing the child's property is really interesting, because some parents have a little bags or suitcases that they take from one parent's house to the other. What can happen if it's a divorce that isn't friendly, one parent may keep it or replace it with tattered clothes. I have heard so many stories. It's really important for the child to have their own stuff in each house. They can carry back and forth obviously, their favorite favorite teddy bear or their favorite clothes or whatever. But it's really important for the child to have stuff at each home so that they feel a part of both families. A lot of teachers now give two packages of homework, because it is so common for single parent households that they give a packet to the father and a packet to the mother. With articles of clothing and favorite toys and stuffed animals, a lot of times what is good is to have double. Buy two of everything, and that way you can keep it in both homes and the child feels secure and he knows that everything that he needs is in both homes.
