Preparing Yourself For Single Parenting

Is there any way to financially prepare for single parenting?

In terms of financially preparing to be a single parent or to stay a single parent, because you never know when you're going to meet someone or how long you're going to be single, it's good to be conscientious, and it's good not to over spend. Some people, when they see they're getting divorced they spend a lot, either because they're angry and they want to take it out on the ex and use a credit card, or they are just fearful and they want to stock up on things. You have to really think that through, and as far as financial security goes I'm a big believer in budgeting and even changing your budget every other month or whatever it is to accommodate changes. I teach my child how to budget too, I think the security of it is really important. It is good to have a nest egg whenever you can because things come up, and you don't want to be all of a sudden shocked if there's nothing there.

Why is it important to find support before single parenting?

I'm a big believer in support groups, and I always have been. I know that for me, finding a support group before I started divorce, and during the process, was so helpful because I was so confused and scared and I really wanted like a mentor and someone to hold my hand. It was easier to join a group than to seek out someone. There are so many groups around, so you can just go on the Internet or call information, and there are a lot of them, and it was really important. I started a support group at my son's school, which is also really important, to find other people that are single parents and are going though divorce. They included both men and women, and there were so many of them and it made all the difference in the world. We'd meet once a month and we'd get tips from other people that had gone through something we haven't. You just felt so good that you were helping others and getting help yourself.

When should I find a lawyer during a family separation?

It's always good to talk to a lawyer even when you're think that a lot of lawyers will talk to you for free the first time, and you can talk to 3 of them and see who you feel you connect best with. Also there's mediators. A lot of people are doing mediation and you can talk to them as well. They're more like a cross between a lawyer and a therapist. So a lot of times if you know your divorce is going to be friendly, a mediator is better. This is because, lawyers usually like to litigate, which means a lot of money and emotions that come up which also aren't good for the child, so its good just to feel out a couple different people even when you have a incline that you might be heading towards divorce or that you want one.

Why is mediation better than a lawyer during a family separation?

These days, mediation has really come a long way, and a lot of people, instead of spending a lot of money litigating and basically buying your lawyer a new car or a new house from the money that you're using for court, a lot of people use mediation because it's a win-win. It's a win for both parties because you talk things out. The mediator helps you create agreements, whether it's parenting agreements, whether it's settlement agreements, and it's just better for the child. It's better for you. People don't act out as much after the divorce when they feel heard, and the mediator helps you feel heard.

Why should I stay on good terms with my partner during our separation?

If it's at all possible, staying civil with your partner is really important. This is because what happens is people act out and they withhold money, or they're mean or they use the child as a messenger, or they do what's called parent alienation syndrome, which is talking badly about the other parent to the child. What happens is that the child, who's part of both of you, feels like they're being dissed because he's a part of both parents. The child starts acting out because they telegraph the parent, so it's really important to stay civil as best you can. If you find it really hard, then get a therapist that can help you so that you don't take it into the whole divorce proceedings, because it's amazing what children pick up. Children also think they caused it or they can fix it, so you want to really make sure that all of that stays out of the mix.

What if my partner refuses to be civil during our separation?

If your partner refuses to be civil, it's really hard on everyone that way. The best thing you can do is, see if you can get him into therapy where there's a third person to take the load off of it. Emails and letters, if you can't talk to them on the phone or in person. Mediator, which is a little bit nicer in that the mediator can help the anger dissolve. There are certain things you can do if talking to them doesn't help.