Recovering From Addiction In 12-Step
What is 'recovery' according to the 12 step model?
What is the goal of 12 step recovery?
A recovery program is basically aimed at restoring balance to a persons life. If you are dealing with a sexual addiction and you go to sex addicts anonymous, and the only way of you being able not to engage in that behavior is to go to the meeting, maybe for a period of time that would be the most important thing for you to do. If you find ten years down the road that it's not serving the same function anymore and it's becoming more of your primary connection to the outside world and you substitute addiction, then you may be you need to look at doing something else. This is because until the person has restored a sense of balance in their life and they are taking care of themselves in life, emotionally and psychologically and spiritually and in their interaction to others, I don't think they have really achieved that kind of balance.
What can I expect as I begin the recovery process of the 12 step program?
There is a term in "AA" just in substance abuse treatment that they call a "dry drunk" where a person is not drinking, but all of their behaviors are as out of control as if they were actively using. The same thing can be with behavioral addictions. Once you abstain from you behavior of choice, a lot of other things are going to start coming up. A lot of feelings are going to start coming up because you have been using that as a way to stuff down a lot of other uncomfortable feelings, awarenesses that you've had and they're all gonna come back again. You need to deal with them. That's where you need to get some outside help that will allow you to maneuver through this. And chances are once you've lost your objectivity, it's going to be hard to do it on your own. That's why we have the fellowship groups. That's why we have professionals in the field that can help you. You may say, "Well, you said that it's an internal process", it is. But the one thing that humans are very good at is lying to themselves. And justifying their behaviors to themselves. And blaming others for problems. And it's like that's where you need someone, whether it's a sponsor, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a trusted friend, to be there like a mirror for you as you go through this process.
How can family and friends support a 12 step program member?
To educate themself is one way. There are a lot of myths and a lot of misperceptions about what addiction is. If you are under the mistaken belief that it's just an act of will and if people would just get their act together, they could take care of this stuff, then you really don't understand the process of addiction, and you don't understand how to be helpful to your loved one. You're acting more out of your fear and your control than actually wanting to understand this phenomenon and how to best deal with it.
What skills are needed for a successful recovery in a 12 step program?
Honesty, openness, being teachable, and being willing to look at yourself closely.
What does it mean to take 'one day at a time' in a 12 step organization?
It's just realizing that the only reality that humans have is in the moment; that anything else is an illusion. When we get caught up into memories, or memories of the past, or fantasies of what the future is going to be, we're not living in the moment, and the moment is all that's real. As soon as we move into either of those realms, and we would say we're planning and everything. But the thing is, we're dealing with an illusion, and the problem with an addiction is that once you start to think about tomorrow, you can think about every tomorrow for the next 5 years, for the next 30 years, for however long. You can get caught up into a fantasy that may never come to be. The one day at a time is like, Okay, come back to your senses. What are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you hearing? This is what's real. Not all of this other stuff, not all of these stories you tell yourself about who you are, and what life should be, or what life shouldn't be, or how you've been abused by life, or how you're going to make it big. Do what you can during the day, but realize that the only reality is right now and all I have to deal with is right now, because everything else is a fantasy or a memory.
How can I handle emotional changes during the 12 step process?
In some cases it's fear, but I'd say it's generally wanting to avoid pain and wanting to enhance pleasure. Sometimes the pain is fear, and if you project that fear into the future, it's anxiety. Sometimes it's anger. It's self-righteous indignation. How dare life do something to me, or how dare that person do something to me. It could be the desire to connect with people. What starts out as maybe a positive desire to connect becomes an obsessive kind of behavior when it turns into sexual addiction. It's not necessarily fear, but it is about avoiding pain and increasing pleasure. As long as you're alive you are still going to be coming up against your emotions and you're going to be experiencing uncomfortable emotional states, and you're going to be experiencing loss and change throughout your entire life. That's what we're all given - whether we're addicts or not we have to face that. There are ways that we can come to terms with that are maybe more healthy and less destructive than some of the others. It involves making a decision about what is most important to me. That's where a recovery program is important. It's not about where I'm going to be in five years, it's about where I'm gonna be at this moment. Most of the time, and meditators will tell you this and anyone that goes outside and is just struck by the beauty of the world, when you're in the moment, you generally don't have a lot of problems. You can pretty much deal with what's ever there. It's when we get into our heads, or get into our projections into the future or are ruminating over the past that we start to have the problems.
