Relationship Communciation Pitfalls
Why is communication so important to a relationship?
The thing about problems is if you ignore them they don't go away. They get bigger, they feed, they grow. Communication about them is really the only way you start to deal with them. So you have to talk about the things that are bothering you, so that you can keep them from becoming the things that crush you.
Can't we just talk about the positives of the relationship?
If we ignore the problems within our relationship, as with our unconcious, they tend to blow up. Unfortunatly, you don't just get to live in fantasy land and say, "You're so wonderful and I'm so wonderful and we're so wonderful together." You have to sort of constantly do this inventory where you talk about the things that bother you, because left to their own devices, they will overwhelm you.
What is "acting out" in a relationship?
Acting out in a relationship is pretty much when a child acts out. It's when you can't say something verbally, when you can't communicate through your words, basically, you turn around and you do something to show your displeasure or whatever it is you're feeling. My co-author, Bernie Katz, once told me about a couple who came into his office. And it was clear to him when they left for dinner that the husband was not happy. Well, it was clear to the wife that the husband was not happy about an hour later, when she got up to go to the restroom and he threw some tobasco in her soup.
What's wrong with talking to outsiders about my relationship?
When you talk to an outsider about your romantic problems, whether that's the person who cuts your hair or your bartender or whomever, the problem is all they do is reinforce your sense of righteous indignation. They tell you how right you are and how wrong your spouse is. The reality is, you're both right and you're both wrong, and the only way to sort of figure out how to get along is by talking to each other. An outsider is only going to tell you what you want to hear, and not what you need to hear.
