Relationships With Guys

Why are guys freaked out about declaring someone their 'girlfriend'?

I don't think that guys generally are freaked out by declaring someone their girlfriend. If they are, then that may not be the right person for you. Are you asking him to declare that you're the girlfriend on the second date? If so I think that that's inappropriate, that's pushing in a direction that he's not comfortable with. But if you've been going out, you know, let's say exclusively for six months and he's feeling uncomfortable saying that you're his girlfriend you need to find out why. You need to find out whether he feels uncomfortable, does he want to date other people, what is his resistance? And if you ultimately want an exclusive relationship where you're boyfriend and girlfriend and an appropriate amount of time has elapsed for you then you need to communicate that and if he still has issue with that then he is not the right person for you.

Why are guys so afraid of relationships?

I don't think men are afraid of having the relationship talk. I think that men are not emotional talkers. So that if you want an objective, which is to decide which the direction of your relationship is. Don't expect a whole emotional discussion with your guy. Set a time aside and really let him know what you'd like in the relationship. Sort of concrete things you'd like, I'd like to be exclusive, I'd like to see you this amount of times during the week, is that something that you want too? Because men are much more analytical concrete thinkers. And if you really put it into, a not this overwhelming emotional context, I think that it's a very appropriate conversation. And it's none overwhelming conversation. It's something that your man can either say, these things work, or these things don't work. So you're on the same page.

How can a girl help a guy get over commitment issues?

I don't think its the job of a woman to help a guy get over commitment issues. I think that women have just as many commitment issues as men do. It is just a matter of addressing your relationship together and seeing that if you are in the same direction. Do you both want a relationship, and if one person wants a relationship and the other person doesn't it could be for many different reasons. Does the guy have issues in general with relationships? From his past, has he never been in a relationship. Or maybe does he not want a committed relationship with you? Is it too early? These are all things that you have to explore. But if you want a committed relationship now and you want to make sure you are on the same page. And he does not want a committed relationship, nor does he think he will ever want a committed relationship, you can't change anyone. You are only going to be disappointed if you are trying to change someone to have a relationship goal that is your relationship goal and not theirs. So you really need to move on.

Why do some guys run once the relationship gets serious?

I think that if you're in a relationship with someone, and you're dating, and then, ultimately, it gets to the point where you're exclusive and you've both agreed that there's exclusivity and he bolts, there's something wrong there. You've talked about it, but you haven't addressed whether this is really what someone wants. I think a lot of times, when people start getting serious in a relationship, there's many things that could make someone fearful of that relationship. Either red flags come up that remind them of other relationships that haven't worked out, maybe there's some instances in their childhood where their parents' relationship broke up as it got serious, there may be things that you're doing that make them feel uncomfortable and they think, "Oh my God! This is not the type of person that I really, ultimately, want to be in a relationship with!" But I think it's important to establish that and communicate that, and try and find out, as you're going in that direction, is this the right direction for both of you? And if someone bolts, it's not your job to try and hold them back, and keep them in the relationship. Again, you can only control your behavior. So, if you're ready for a relationship and they run, you've got to let them run. You can't change that. You can be patient and see if they need a little downtime and they come back, but you can't chase them and beg them to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in.

What are signs my guy thinks things are moving too fast?

When a relationship is moving at a pace that is uncomfortable for one person, that person can tend to withdraw and sort of be less available, pay less attention, not return phone calls, be less attentive, less romantic. If these things are happening then you need to really find out why they're happening. Do you need to take a step back? Do you need to give your guy a little bit of space? Do you want to talk to him about that? Maybe he needs more down time for himself. And if you're really pressuring in a direction that he's not ready for, you'll see that withdrawal happen, or discomfort happen, and it's much better to get on the same page of the pace, and make sure that he's feeling comfortable with that rather than running after him and pressuring him to go at your pace.

How do I know if the relationship is heading where I want it to go?

The only way to really know if a relationship is heading in the direction that you want is one, to get to know that person, but then ultimately talk about it. Let the person know what your ultimate goals are and see if they have the same relationship goals. Do they want a girlfriend? Are they ready for a serious relationship? Are they ready to go in the direction of getting to know someone for potential marriage or having kids? And I think that that's a perfectly appropriate discussion to have after you've established this person is someone you'd like to pursue in that direction and you get to know them after a few dates. You do not want to be spending time with someone that does not have similar relationship goals.

How do I keep him interested when the relationship is past the 'honeymoon' phase?

You maintain that energy by making time for each other and then making sure that you maintain sort of priority over specific nights with each other and still making sure that you look good for each other and that you have fun together and that you plan trips together and I think that brings the sort of romance back in on a regular basis and you just have to work harder on that in a kind of a practical way, you have to continue to keep the romance alive.

Do men compare us to their exes?

I think that it's human nature to compare who you're with to people from the past. It's not necessarily that you know a women's going to be compared in a negative way to the ex like, "oh she's not as attractive or she's not as amazing," but I think that ultimately we sort of look at the pluses and minuses of this person. Maybe you remind him of someone that he was really in love with or really great things about someone in the past and sometimes we do something that's quirky or that's a red flag that may sort of make someone take a step back so I think ultimately there's always going to be things in the back of our head that we look at and we compare and we decide, consciously or unconsciously, how close this is to someone that is familiar in a past relationship so I don't think it's a bad thing, I don't think it's a great thing. It just is.