Sexual Politics
What is an open relationship?
An open relationship is one in which both partners agree to have relationships with other people, but it isn't secret. Another term for it, which is more popular and perhaps more widely used in America, is Polyamory, and that's quite a big movement these days. It doesn't mean that the primary partner is at all involved in the relationship sexually, it's simply that they know of the existence of the relationship, and in fact in some cases three or four people may choose to live together in the same house.
What is swinging?
Swinging is a lifestyle. People who are dedicated swingers refer to it between each other as the lifestyle. Swinging is where, with your partner you agree to have sex with other people, usually with your partner present. The advantages of the swinging lifestyle, as swingers would say it, is that there is total openess about the fact that you are having sex with other people, but your partner sees what is going on and is aware - there's nothing happening behind their back. There are rules about swinging, there are rules about going to swinging parties and how you conduct yourself, and there are forms of etiquette. There's a safety net about being able to experiment and having sex with people outside your primary relationship. Everybody knows what is going on, so it gives people an outlet into sexual experimentation, which many people need to have outside a primary relationship, but it does it within a basic set of rules.
My wife wants to start swinging, should I be angry?
I don't know about being angry, because it doesn't necessarily mean that she feels any different about you. It's simply that she wants to experiment, perhaps, with this lifestyle. The thing to know about swinging is that often people get into it to see what it's like. They might get very enthusiastic about it because it's a new hobby. To some extent, it is a hobby for a lot of people, and then they give it up for quite a while. It's not necessarily a permanent thing, so you don't need to fear that it's going to become a permanent part of your life, in some sense. If you're absolutely against swinging, then I think you have to say to your wife, I don't want to do this, and then you will have to negotiate with her whether you allow her to swing on her own or not.
Can swinging help a stale marriage or partnership?
If both partners are happy and comfortable with the concept of swinging, it can help a relationship that is stale sexually, but I would say that there has got to be that level of trust and openess between you, before you get engaged in this activity. A lot of swingers tell me that what it does is that, when they go, for example, to a swinging party, sometimes they don't partake in penetrative sex. There is a thing called soft swinging, where you might only partake in sex with other people to a certain level, for example, there's no penetrative sex. The couples often find that that is a huge turn on for them, so that as a couple, they go home or to another room at the party and have sex with each other. For a lot of people, they do find that it heightens their own sexual relationship. It's one of those odd things in which the idea of watching other people having sex, or indulging some sexual activity with other people, actually gives a boost to your own relationship.
I would love a threesome, is this normal?
Having a threesome is probably one of the most popular fantasies for both genders. Men fantasize about having two women. Women tend to fantasize either about having two men at the same time, or their partner and another woman. But it's perfectly normal, and it's such a common fantasy that probably every other person has that fantas. Everybody that you're passing on the streets is probably wanting the same thing. Doing it is another matter, of course. You have to decide whether you actually want to go there. One of the easiest ways to have a threesome, if that is what you want to do, is to get involved in something like the swinging lifestyle.
Are women more monogamous than men?
There has long been a perception that women are more monogamous than men, but current research in the last few years seems to show us that that is certainly not the case. It is only social conditioning that makes women seem more monogamous than men. In fact, given the opportunity, I would say that women are less monogamous than men, and it has been shown. If you look back at our very distinct ancestors in the caves, Women were looking for biological fathers, so they wanted to try as many as possible, to make sure that they found the strongest genes. Current research shows that women still do that - they are still looking for the strongest genetic partners. Interestingly enough, recent research by a Dutch University shows that the man with what the women perceive to be the strongest genes, are usually the worst with partnerships, but they are perceived as the strongest.
