Single Parent Discipline
Will disciplining my children make them love their other parent more?
I think the biggest fear that divorced people have is if they discipline their child, their child's going to want the other parent more, and you want to be the parent that the child wants more. So it's a very tricky thing, but what you find is that your child needs discipline, and they may act like they hate you, or they they'll use it and they'll play you. Your children are brilliant in that they will make you feel guilty to get their way, or they'll make you feel like they're choosing the other parent over you. And so you really have to be hard skinned, and know that they love you no matter what, and that you have to discipline them because they feel more taken care of when you do.
What if my child's other parent lets him or her 'get away with everything'?
I think the old Disneyland dad or Disneyland mom, where the other parent let's their child get away with everything, can be pretty destructive. I think it's important to sit down with the other parent, and talk about discipline so that you're doing the same things in the home. And if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can sit down with them, send them an email, or send them a letter, and say "this is what I do, I would love it if you could do the same thing". So the rules are the same, it's really important to have rules be the same in both homes.
What if my child becomes unmanageable because of our family separation?
Well, a lot of times your child may be unmanageable or appear to be unmanageable because of the stress they are going through. What you can do is just make them as secure as possible. For example, have them talk to a therapist or another person other than you. A lot of the time, they just can't tell you what's their feeling, which is a human nature, and they need someone else to talk to. Then, as much as possible, if you can maybe the three of you –the other parent, you and the child- would sit down and talk, and you don't want to confuse them that you are getting back together, but you want to sit them down and say “you know, we love you, we are going to take care of you and these are the new rules”.
What if single parenting makes me too tired to deal with my kids?
A lot of times you're going to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by being a single parent, and that's when it's important to take time for yourself. Even if it means a bubble bath, lighting a candle, putting a time out for yourself. I mean, don't forget it's important for you to take a time out too. It's exhausting because you have to be mother, father, you have to take care of yourself - everything you have to do, and you have to really, really take care of yourself. So when you're exhausted, maybe you go to bed when you put your child to bed. And just go to bed early and just pamper yourself a little bit more.
What if single parenting makes me impatient with my kids?
Another feeling that you may have as a single parent is impatience, and you have to be patient with yourself with your impatience. You have to know that you are going through something. It's not going to last forever, it's a transition. We're really hard on ourselves, but we have to just mellow out and take a deep breath. Maybe have a buddy system - someone you call and tell "oh my god I can't stand this, what do I do?" Take a breath and do something to separate you from your reality, so you can just calm down and know this is a transition and that it's not going to last forever.
