Single Parent Discipline
Will disciplining my children make them love their other parent more?
I think the biggest fear that divorced people have is if they discipline their child, their child's going to want the other parent more, and you want to be the parent that the child wants more. So it's a very tricky thing, but what you find is that your child needs discipline, and they may act like they hate you, or they they'll use it and they'll play you. Your children are brilliant in that they will make you feel guilty to get their way, or they'll make you feel like they're choosing the other parent over you. And so you really have to be hard skinned, and know that they love you no matter what, and that you have to discipline them because they feel more taken care of when you do.
How do I discipline my child if I'm a single parent?
When it comes to disciplining your child, I think it's really important for your child to be heard as well. I think the days of "because I said so" are gone, and the authoritarian way of parenting no longer works. Like my son and I would have debates, like he'd tell me something that I would have to listen and vice versa. So we kind of co-created discipline sometimes. Like I would say "what would you do, how would you discipline yourself if this happened" and he'd say "well I wouldn't let me watch TV", so we would try that. So there's ways of doing it lightly, and there's ways of being stronger with it, but I think the old ways of discipline just don't work anymore.
What if my child's other parent lets him or her 'get away with everything'?
How do I solve discipline issues with my child's other parent?
I think its very important to work out the discipline issues with the other parent as well. So that you guys are aligned and you have the same kind of discipline in each home to make your child feel secure. A lot of times what happens when that doesn't exist, is your child comes home from a weekend with the other parent, and they're crazy and they're wild, and you can't calm them down. You have to find ways to help them re-enter, because they're living in two different worlds. So it's really best to make the two worlds as close as you can, and the only way to do that is really by communicating whether it's in person, email or a letter to a third person.
What if my child becomes unmanageable because of our family separation?
Well, a lot of times your child may be unmanageable or appear to be unmanageable because of the stress they are going through. What you can do is just make them as secure as possible. For example, have them talk to a therapist or another person other than you. A lot of the time, they just can't tell you what's their feeling, which is a human nature, and they need someone else to talk to. Then, as much as possible, if you can maybe the three of you –the other parent, you and the child- would sit down and talk, and you don't want to confuse them that you are getting back together, but you want to sit them down and say “you know, we love you, we are going to take care of you and these are the new rules”.
What if single parenting makes me too tired to deal with my kids?
A lot of times you're going to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by being a single parent, and that's when it's important to take time for yourself. Even if it means a bubble bath, lighting a candle, putting a time out for yourself. I mean, don't forget it's important for you to take a time out too. It's exhausting because you have to be mother, father, you have to take care of yourself - everything you have to do, and you have to really, really take care of yourself. So when you're exhausted, maybe you go to bed when you put your child to bed. And just go to bed early and just pamper yourself a little bit more.
What if single parenting makes me impatient with my kids?
Another feeling that you may have as a single parent is impatience, and you have to be patient with yourself with your impatience. You have to know that you are going through something. It's not going to last forever, it's a transition. We're really hard on ourselves, but we have to just mellow out and take a deep breath. Maybe have a buddy system - someone you call and tell "oh my god I can't stand this, what do I do?" Take a breath and do something to separate you from your reality, so you can just calm down and know this is a transition and that it's not going to last forever.
