Social Activities
What is a "sleepover" or "slumber" party?
A sleepover party is usually a term that we used to use in the old days to talk about... We would call it a slumber party, where friends would get together -- usually it's of the same gender -- and they would have some popcorn and food and begin the process of socializing. Sometimes this is done through girls' clubs or Boy Scouts; that sort of thing. The key is, it needs to be under supervision of an adult, and there needs to be some good activities there to keep the kids entertained and things. That would be a parental responsibility depending on the age of the group.
How old should a child be before letting him go to a sleepover party?
I think you as a parent have to make that judgement, developmentally. Normally eight years old is considered the age of reason where kids are able to determine on their own what is right, what is wrong, without needing a lot of guidance. So if you feel your child has reached that age of reason where he can make good decisions. Then I would say it would be an appropriate time.
At what age is it okay for my daughter to start dating?
It's important that you consider her emotional age. If your daughter has good decision-making skills, if you trust your daughter in terms of being responsible, then, you know, when they get into the high school setting that may be an appropriate kind of date. There are other dates or activities that are appropriate for middle school kids, for example, a school dance. So you drive your daughter to the school dance, there's opportunities for social interaction, totally appropriate. That would be a good activity, it's under supervision, they're getting socialization skills. But it's probably not appropriate for your daughter to go out with somebody by themselves at that age. Again, a lot would depend on the emotional age of your youngster. That's where we have middle schools in the school system; to provide that kind of transition time. So I think by talking to your school counselor and your school principal, collaboration might help determine an appropriate age.
At what age is it okay for my son to start dating?
When deciding when to allow a child to date, one has to consider the emotional of the youngster. If you trust him, if you feel that he can make good decisions, then perhaps you might want to try out letting him date. One of the things I find is that at a middle school, for example, there are ample opportunities provided by the structure of the school to let your son engage in school dances or extracurricular activities where they can do things with friends of a different gender. So that you can start to make those decisions, is it appropriate, so when he gets into high school then dating becomes a question. And you might want to involve the school counsellor in terms of helping make the decision whether to let your son date.
Is it ever a good idea to prohibit my child from dating?
I think it is appropriate to prohibit your child from dating, if you feel that developmentally your child isn't ready to date. If you feel there's some academic issues and the dating might be a distraction, I think that's totally appropriate to prohibit them from dating. If the date is an unsafe situation for your child--perhaps you don't know where they're going, that sort of thing--or perhaps you don't even know who the person is that they're going out with, then that would be totally appropriate to say, as a parent, "No, you are too young to be dating."
What should I do if I don't like who my child is dating?
As a parent, if you don't like who your youngster is dating, ultimately you have the right to say no. I think it's really essential that you consult with them, to let them know that these are your values and you're concerned about the values of the partner, and there's a mismatch. I think it's important that you also talk with the partner and get a better understanding, so that you're not stereotyping. Perhaps because the person's a football player and looks really big, you're just concerned about him being overbearing or whatever. Or perhaps he wears a bandana and you're concerned with perhaps he's a gang member. You're just assuring yourself, or confirming some of the values. But essentially, it is your right as a parent to say "No, I forbid you to deal with this person."
Should I chaperone my child's dates?
I think it's essential to provide some kind of monitoring with your youngster early on. For example, during middle school there are opportunities for school dances. It's a great opportunity for you to go as a parent and help serve the punch and that kind of thing so that your parent or your youngster is physically seeing you there. I think it is also appropriate for you to bring your daughter's, let's say date, to the house and do an activity with them so that you're there. If you feel after those kinds of experiences that it's appropriate, then I think it would be totally appropriate to allow your daughter, let's say, to attend a function by themselves. I think it's also appropriate to invite the person in to family activities, therefore to have both parties present. That way you can make judgments about the person's character, his values, and that sort of thing.
What is a "curfew"?
A curfew is usually a designated time, often times it's by municipal policy, that kids have to be indoors and at home or, in some cases, heading home by a certain time. In some communities it's ten o'clock. In some communities it's eleven. But usually it's a standard time when youngsters under eighteen need to be at home.
Should my child have a curfew?
I think all children need limits, and so offhand, yes, curfews are a good idea. The question is what would be an appropriate limit or curfew, and I think that is based on the activity which your youngster is attending. Most high-school dances, for example, end at 11 o'clock, I think it would be appropriate to give an hour or an hour and a half before curfew to come home. If most dances do not occur on school nights, for example, but if one does, or if there is an activity, then the curfew needs to correspond to next day's schedule because your youngster is attending school and needs to be ready at 8 o'clock or whatever the start time is, so yes, a curfew would be appropriate.
What are considered age-appropriate curfews?
Age-appropriate curfews depend on the developmental status of your youngster and the age of your youngster. Generally, early teens, 14-16 should be 9 O'Clock:, that's kind of a standard here in the United States. As they get older in high school a lot depends on the activity. The school dances normally knock off at 11 o'Clock:, at the latest 11:30pm, so giving them an hour to get home would be appropriate. If it's a family kind of setting, with a wedding, sometimes those go over, so 1 O'Clock: would be appropriate. I would say midnight would be the ideal time, all things being equal, for the late adolescent.
What if my child refuses to obey my curfew?
When a youngster refuses to obey curfew, you need to establish regular, routine consequences that are logical for that and then implement those consequences. Realizing that sometimes there's extenuating circumstances which you would need to listen to. And then basically if there's a pattern to these extenuating circumstances, like there was a flat tyre last week and there's a flat tyre this week, then you would become concerned about that. Basically you establish consequences and if your youngster violates those consequences, you follow up with that, and then ultimately, that would lead to saying you're not responsible enough to manage your time, you will not go on these activities again.
Is it okay to "listen in" on my child's phone calls?
I am not comfortable with listening in on your child's phone calls, only in the sense that you're invading their privacy. If your child is old enough to receive phone calls, that means you've made a conscious decision as a parent that you are trusting your youngster that he's at the age of reason where he or she makes appropriate decisions. If, accidentally, you pick up the line, I think it's totally appropriate to say "Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry," and you hang up. It is important for you to monitor the length of time of those phone calls. Sometimes, nowadays, they can last for two or three hours. That's totally inappropriate, because they're tying up the family phone. Or, if they have their own phone, that's still inappropriate, because you're talking about an expensive phone bill. So that's more of a concern to me than listening in, which I would not recommend invading your child's privacy like that.
