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The Hard Facts On Being Single

 
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The Hard Facts On Being Single

What defines a person as single?

There are at least three different ways to think about being single. So, one is the way the census bureau thinks about it and the government thinks about it. And, that is, are you legally married or not. If you're not legally married, you're single. Now, in your every day life, people see you as single if you're not part of a serious couple. And, so if they see you as single, then if they invite you to something and they don't think there is somebody else they are obligated to invite you. The other way, how do you think of yourself personally, so, sometimes other people will say: oh, you know, he's coupled or she's part of a couple. And you think, no, I'm not, I'm single.

How has being single changed over time?

People are waiting longer than ever before to get married, if they get married at all. People are staying single into their late twenties or even later. Then, at the end of life, our life spans continue to grow. Women continue to live longer than men, so there are many single women at the end of the lifespan. Also, even those people who do get married, many of them divorce. It's now not as commonplace to get remarried at the end of a divorce, and if you do get remarried, you may not get remarried right away. What all of that adds up to is that Americans actually spend more years of their adult life married than unmarried.

What reasons do people have for staying single?

Well if you're single you can pursue your passions, you can do what's most important to you and you don't need marriage anymore to pursue the important parts of your life. So for example, women in the past used to be more economically dependant on a husband, so often women were paid even less than men even more so than today and there weren't that many jobs open to them, now many women can support themselves and even some children if they want to have children on their own so they're not financially dependant. With reproductive technologies, women can have children without being married. Also single people no longer wait to get married to buy their own homes and to travel the world. So single people can lead full complete and happy lives without being married. Now if they want to have a partner in their lives they can have that too but having a partner is no longer something you have to have in order to have access to all these other big important parts of your life.

What are the advantages of staying single?

When you are single, you get to really create the life that is most meaningful to you. You get to pursue what you think is important, what you are passionate about without having to say, "Oh, if I do this, will my spouse disapprove?" Or, "Will it work for this other person if I do this?" You can do what you are best at, what you find most meaningful.

What would you say to someone who's scared of being single?

That's a really interesting question. Sometimes, people who say, "Oh, I'm worried about growing old alone," are already single and they have a full, happy, complete life. So they are buying into these myths that even if you're single now, it won't last. But it's just a myth. In fact, when I looked at the studies of loneliness in old age, there is one group of people who is especially unlikely to be lonely, and it's women who have always been single. And one of the reasons for that is that when you're single, you pay attention to more than just one person. You probably nurture your friendships. Women who stay single have friendships that last for decades, that have outlasted many marriages, and they don't invest all of their emotional capital into just one person and hope that person doesn't turn out to be The One. They have a whole diversified relationship portfolio of friends, and maybe extended family, of colleagues, and mentors, and neighbours.

If someone has never been single, what are they missing?

If you've never been single, you've missed the chance to truly understand who you are. You can see this most clearly in people who marry young and stay married for a very long time. Suddenly, the spouse dies or maybe they get a divorce, and sometimes today people divorce after decades of marriage. And so now here's this person who is uncoupled for the first time in their adult lives, and their first reaction may be of anxiety. They may realize that this is really interesting. Another thing I hear that is really interesting, are people who have stayed married a long time who have had very good and happy marriages, yet they say "I've been married, it was good, but I don't want to remarry." I now like staying single. What's interesting about people is that they are very flexible. They say "I was happily married, but now I'm happily single." You see the reverse of that where people who were single a long time and then got married, they say "I got married, I'm happy but I was really happy single, and if I stayed single I would have been really happy too."

How has society reacted to the 'new norm' of staying single longer?

I think that there is a lot of angst in society now about the way things are changing. So before, let's say, in the ‘50s, and even longer, people thought there was one way to live your life. So you stay with your parents and then you find someone and you get married and you move in and make your own home. Then you have kids. You stay married and you have grandkids. And now, people's lives are so much more fluid. You can co-habituate or you can move in and out of different careers and have your own home when you are single or have several different homes and sets of friends. To some people, that's wonderful. It's great opportunity. You don't have to live your life just one way. But to other people, it's very unnerving. It's easier, more comfortable to think 'I know how to lead a good life. First I do this, then I do that and everyone agrees with me and there is no battle.' Some people like that very regulated, predictable way of living a life. They also like to think that if they follow that predictable path that they are a better person than someone who has not followed it. I think what is threatening about a lot of single people now is that they are single and happy and leading full, complete lives. Well, that is threatening to someone who followed the standard path and thought that, oh that makes them a better person. And that's the only way that someone can be happy and fulfilled and now they see that's not true.

Is being single viewed differently in other countries?

Yes, that is one of the questions that I get asked the most. And, in Scandinavian countries where people are more often single, there is a much better social support for single people. I think there is less of a stigma. But, in other countries there might be more of a stigma. And, yet we don't know nearly as much as we need to, because, whereas the study of marriage has been going on for decades, and decades, and decades. It has all this federal funding, journals, conferences, and courses. The study of singles is new.

Do single men feel pressure from their married counterparts to 'hook up'?

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Embed single question:
  1. What defines a person as single?
  2. How has being single changed over time?
  3. What reasons do people have for staying single?
  4. What are the advantages of staying single?
  5. What would you say to someone who's scared of being single?
  6. If someone has never been single, what are they missing?
  7. How has society reacted to the 'new norm' of staying single longer?
  8. Is being single viewed differently in other countries?
  9. Do single men feel pressure from their married counterparts to 'hook up'?

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0 out of 2 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (135 days ago)

Utter one-dimensional white western drivel

3 out of 3 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (171 days ago)

Marriage - Been there, done that ..... Never again! I have been single now for 5 years now, and SOOOOO much happier now. I wouldn't trade it for anything :)

0 out of 5 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (173 days ago)

no maTTER HOW MUCH TIME PASSES WOMEN ARE FORCED TO GET MARRIED

4 out of 4 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (184 days ago)

I was married for eighteen years and now i have been single for 6 years. I was never on my own before marriage (lived with parents). Divorce was devastating at first but now I am glad it happened. I would have never known the richness life had to offer if I was still married. i don't think i would have known myself. When i see pictures of me when I was married I look so innocent, dependent and weak. My friends tell me now i look (i am) intelligent, self assured and happier.

2 out of 4 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (208 days ago)

this is just plain stupid

0 out of 5 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (227 days ago)

would any ladies like some spuff its free

1 out of 2 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (229 days ago)

I think she's right that being single is fine and dandy. I truely beleive that (I've been single for 4 years), however, I'd be lieing if I said being a single parent by choice is a great idea. But, that is the choice some make and they are free to do so.

4 out of 4 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (236 days ago)

Nothing wrong with being single whatever your age. Ok, apart from the intimacy and regular sex you long for. You can do what you want, when you want and how you want, without the guilt or have to take someone elses feelings into consideration. You're still a whole person, even if you don't have another half....

1 out of 2 people found this comment helpful SophieRebecca  (247 days ago)

i'm not a "single person" - i know some people are but there is an intimacy with a partner that is missing from friendships.

2 out of 2 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (249 days ago)

Being single is not as bad as having a wife and kids. Especially the kids side of it. Kids = NO LIFE. When you are single you are living YOUR life at least. When u have kids you kiss your life goodbye for 16 or so years. Enjoy being single.

1 out of 2 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (249 days ago)

Be single while you can. Worry about when you hit 30 - not before. If you hit 40 and you're single being single work totally against you. If you are single at 40 then there is something wrong with you. And people know that. It is not Natural.

0 out of 1 person found this comment helpful Anonymous  (251 days ago)

she is crazy

1 out of 2 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (270 days ago)

dont like the comments. men should look at themselves first

1 out of 6 people found this comment helpful Anonymous  (276 days ago)

no wonder she's single. with the money she makes from book she should invest in some major plastic surgery.

0 out of 1 person found this comment helpful Anonymous  (280 days ago)

I want to find a husband so badly. I'm 24 and afraid I'll be single forever.

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Bella DePaulo
Meet the Expert
Bella DePaulo
  • What defines a person as single?
  • How has being single changed over time?
  • What reasons do people have for staying single?
  • What are the advantages of staying single?
  • What would you say to someone who's scared of being single?
  • If someone has never been single, what are they missing?
  • How has society reacted to the 'new norm' of staying single longer?
  • Is being single viewed differently in other countries?
  • Do single men feel pressure from their married counterparts to 'hook up'?
more ...
The Single Life
The Hard Facts On Being Single (Now Playing)
  1. Bella DePaulo
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  2. What does every single person need? 
  3. How is the single life different financially? 
  4. How do I make my home environment comforting while I'm single? 
  5. Why is looking my best important while I'm single? 
  6. How can I go out alone without feeling self-conscious? 
  7. How does being single affect my career? 
  8. How can I create a fulfilling social life as a single person? 
 Surviving The Single State 
  1. Bella DePaulo
  2. How do I handle family get-togethers as a single person? 
  3. As a single person, should I avoid setting deadlines for marriage and kids? 
  4. How can a single person avoid loneliness? 
  5. How can I create my own milestones as a single person? 
  6. How can a single person survive the holidays? 
  7. What are some things a single person can do on New Years? 
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  9. How do married people treat single people differently? 
  10. In what ways are singles given unfair treatment? 
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  3. What are some common misconceptions about sex and the single person? 
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  5. How has society's view on sex helped the single person? 
 Myths About Singles 
  1. Bella DePaulo
  2. What are common misconceptions about single people? 
  3. What are common misconceptions about single women? 
  4. What are common misconceptions about single men? 
  5. What are common misconceptions about single parents? 
  6. How does the media affect people's perceptions on being single? 
  7. Did 'Sex and the City' portray singles accurately? 
  8. Are married people happier than single people? 
  9. Are married people healthier than single people? 
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