Your Partner And Your Relationship
How can examining my partners' romantic patterns improve our relationship?
The thing about gathering information about your partner is: it may bother them, but it's crucial. Because the things they did to their previous partners they're going to do to you. So the more you can find out about them, the more you can anticipate certain behaviors and either prepare for them, or decide to avoid them by moving along.
How do I examine my partner's romantic patterns?
If you want to examine your partner's romantic patterns, there's one way to do it. Ask him. See what kind of information you can get in a non-threatening way. Here's the thing—they may come to you and say “you sound just like a shrink with all these questions.” If they do that, say to them “yeah, I guess I do. But from my understanding of shrinks, they gather information so they can help people. Basically here, I'm trying to help our relationship by having as much information as I can have.” The second part of that is “what would you like to know about me?”
What if my partner gives me superficial answers about his or her past relationships?
If your partner gives you superficial answers about thier past love lives, chances are really good that there's something very troubling to them about what they've experienced. So you have to sort of gently dig a little deeper or find some other people to ask. But basically you know you've hit a nerve when they don't want to answer the questions.
What are some helpful questions I can ask my partner about his past relationships?
When you're trying to delve a little bit into your partner's past, the trick is to keep it about them and their feelings. You ask them: "What were the things that led you to break up with people?" "What were the things that disenchanted you with some of your partners?" "How did you feel as you started to break up with them?" Don't really ask them: "What did you do wrong?" "What did your partner see in you that had them run screaming from you?" Those are the kind of questions that they're not really going to like answering.
Is it useful to discuss past relationships if I've been in my current relationship a long time?
The thing about relationship woes is: they're very patient. They started a long time ago, they're going to continue for a long time. They're waiting for you to try and fix them, so it's never too late. Your patterns remain your patterns your whole life. And at any point, whether you just started dating somebody or you've been married for 5 years, you can go in and try and figure out what those patterns are, to try and fix them.
What else can I do to understand my partner's relationship patterns?
I titled this new book, "Actually, It IS Your Parents' Fault," and I wasn't completely kidding. Our parents have so much to do with our love lives that they're a great source of information about our partner's. That is, if you can look at your partner's family dynamic, if you can be at family events with them, if you can see how your partner's parents interact with each other, with other people, with your partner, you can get a whole ton of information.
